Some Must Watch While Some Must Sleep

Surprise, surprise! Master's Nats.

2012-02-12T17:22:00.000-08:00

There I was.

About 2 minutes into the Master's 35-39 national championship race about to head up the first hill. I was taken back by the moment emotionally for the first time ever in a race.

Normally, I'm rock solid during a race, focused, and I think a tornado could pass by me and I wouldn't flinch at all. But as I headed up the muddy straight to the hill I had an open path ahead of me... I was in the lead. For a fleeting moment I was struck by the realization of something I didn't expect: I could win the race. After all, I wasn't suppose to be here. Not Madison exactly, but here. On earth. I can tell the story about how bad I was, but only I know how bad I felt personally and how this huge void of other riders in front of me was something I didn't expect. The hope of it gave me a ton of joy. After all, my goal for the day after my single speed race was to finish in the top 5. I smiled to myself for a moment and knew I had already won for myself. There isn't anything quite like the feeling of real hope. Just like when I was sick and had no doubt I wasn't going to make it, the moment I felt hope of living was a thought I will never forget... just like this moment. I exceeded every expectation of myself right then and there. It was a pleasant surprise.

Time to snap out of it though. On to the remainder of the race. I knew I had my work cut out for me on top of all that already happened during the season. I had been feeling sick since the SS race and I didn't know how it would effect me. The other work would be the heavy favorite who had won the uci elite women's race in Chicago the previous weekend. I'll say it once to get it out of my system: why anyone who WINS a well staked UCI elite race turns around and races a master's national champ race is beyond me. Personally, I think it's bad form. Just sayin. There.

As to no surprise, I quickly lost the lead on the hill. It was sloppy enough that everyone dismounted to run it. By this point it was a clear group of 4 of us that had already gained a fair gap on the main field. This would be the race for stars and bars here. Being that I had not raced national level races all year, I took a look around to assess who I was racing here. I knew the pro Sally would do her thing. I recognized a CO sponsor on one of the gals kits (perhaps some good mtb skills?) and knew Corey C from previous years. But how would everyone hold up? I had no idea.

As the first lap played out I just focused on me. The other 3 gals gained a slight amount of time on me and I was in 4th for quite some time. I had made a few minor errors the first lap and needed to adjust some lines for the next time around. It was also clear that a clean bike would be needed from the Bob's Red Mill mechanics (Dave and Ray) in the busy pits every lap if not more. The course was tons of fun, but it required patience as the corners were so slick that standing up out of the corners wouldn't be possible. I had power, I just had to pick the best spots to redirect it. So I did. Near the end of the 2nd lap I regained the 2nd and 3rd place group. and held steady with them. It was clear to me that Corey was getting a bit tired but Kristal from CO was strong in the technical sections and could ride the climbs better then myself. We dropped Corey near the end of the 2nd lap. And there it was again: hope. Would I finally break that 4th place spot at nats? I knew 1st place was way off the front, but it was a real chance I

could get 2nd. Surprise!

The 3rd lap we held the group going back and forth. I knew where I was stronger and weaker. Coming through the start/ finish on the final lap I decided to try and gain some time in the power requiring muddy straights and I held 2nd place for a while. It was really cool to have so many people cheering for me personally out there! I was so excited and thrilled to be in that position and this just put icing on the cake! Thanks to all of you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7qS2meiNCY

(Nice little video of last lap battle by Marion U's Dean Peterson. Thanks Dean!)

Kristal slowly gained some more time back up to me and we were in a straight up mano e mano battle for 2nd. I knew she would get me on the last hill so I knew I had to take a chance and try to gain time by riding the sketchy sand pit before that. I dove into it. Rode it. Until I bobbled. Darn. She instantly gained 5 seconds on me. I got it back together and put my head down and tried my best to get back to her. You never know right? Anything can happen in cross. Turns out though, it didn't. We held that placing to the end. I came across in 3rd place and was completely happy with the way I raced. I had a blast. To me, that's what racing should be. Bar to bar, a nail bitter to the end that requires risks to be taken. I just happened to bobble, but that's okay. If given the chance again... would I take the safe route? Who knows? Knowing me, probably not. No sense in playing it back now. Life is shaped by the risks, chances, failures, and heartbreaks we experience. There are no "do overs."

I can't say enough how proud I was to have gotten 3rd. I can't say how proud I was really to even just be racing. It was a personal struggle that so many have helped me overcome. Months ago when I was unsure of how my health would handle the recovery, handle functioning with 1 and a half lungs, handle dealing with a chronic illness of myesthenia gravis; I told my closest friend, my Mom, that I would accept never being able to ride seriously again. It was a heartbreaking acceptance knowing what I love so much was not going to be possible anymore. But it might be my fate, and I had to move on and accept it.

How would you get along if you could no longer do what you love the most?

I accepted whatever God had planned for me, but I wanted to see how it would go. Which was it: yes or no?

At the end of the day a writer from Cyclocross magazine, Ted Burns, (http://www.cxmagazine.com/cyclocross-national-championships-2012-masters-women-35-39-madison ) interviewed me on the race. In his report later he said my story was worthy of a true Hoosier comeback story. That's what he told me at the end of the interview too. Of course, I love that movie. I grew up with a basketball in my hands, lived and breathed basketball. I still get excited during the final game of the movie. Everything about my basketball life parallelled the plot of Hoosiers it seemed. I grew up in a town of 140 people in Indiana, no one thought we could ever be at the top. The team in Hoosier's didn't belong in a state final. But they did and it was a wonderful story in the end. A real tear jerker.

When I got back to my truck to change before the podium presentation I glanced at my phone. So many messages from loved ones, friends, and family. Everyone was so happy for me and had a blast following the race online. It was a cool moment to read though all the messages. They were happy for me, but even if no one would have been... I was happy for my own personal reasons.

This was the end to my story for the season... I reflected on the last half year quietly to myself. It was a good story. But for me, it wasn't just a tear jerker.

I let the entire flood gates open!

USA Nats Championships Take 1: SingleSpeed

2012-01-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

("Locked and loaded" as they say! Waiting for the gun to go off at USA Cycling National SingleSpeed Women's Championships!)

Moving on and back in time to a happier place... time to do a blog update on USAC Cyclocross Nationals from earlier in the month that is. This seems like so long ago, but I still have the good vibes and a couple sweet medals from both races I did up in Madison, WI so I should be able to put something together.

I headed up early in the week on Tuesday to check out the course since I had decided to have a little go at the single speed race later on Wed afternoon. It was a bit of a last minute decision to go ahead with this race, but since I didn't feel up to getting bunched in with a very large group in the elite field on Sunday in which I knew wasn't my focus this year, I wanted to make the trip up north worth my while and get a couple races in while there. Plus, having the SS event be a national champ race was a little extra motivation too.

That being said. As soon as Aaron and I arrived back from Chicago, we had a rush to get things turned around for Nats. Aaron was a huge help in getting the bikes ready so I could get everything else around, he built up my spare winter training/ loaner bike to a single and I was excited to give it a try. Of course I had never raced an SS cx bike before, I had no idea what sort of gear ratio to plan on and since the course preview was "flat" I took few gear options if needed. That being said, I'm actually no stranger to the SS world as some don't remember, about 4 years ago or so, my only mtb was a Indy Fab SS Deluxe and I was a hardcore SS chick... so this wasn't too far off my roots, but I wasn't sure at all how I would do.

So on arrival to the venue, there were 3 things to note, 2 of which I didn't expect. It was hilly, there were sheets of ice, and it was very cold. I only expected the last point. It was not at all like the rumors had stated. It had a very large hill as the main feature that would be traversed a few times each lap. Not being too fond of elevation... this strangely didn't bother me. I was ready. The ice- maybe I expected some ice... this was a sheet. Quite frankly I expected tons of snow. Anyway, the promoter did a great job of working this out and making it safe by race time. And the cold was all of which I had planned for an entire year. I didn't train out in subfreezing temps the last month for nothing. No big thing to me. Bring it on. I did however, skip the preride because of the ice, which would later be a costly mistake. I headed to my hotel and counted down till race time.

Race day! I felt good. The cold lifted and I was excited to line up with a impressive bunch of SS ladies. I went through my warm-up routine as always and felt pretty good about my legs and had a shadow of confidence that I could actually maybe get top 6. I was finally able to get the bike out on course for a muddy pre-ride and I was stoked that it was conditions I thrive in. Mud!

But on my first ride for this bike in the real world (as I skipped a pre-ride) I discovered I had a BIG problem. My chain was skipping every other link. I had 5 minutes to staging and since Aaron wasn't able to make the trip with me... I rushed over to the Shimano neutral support to have them take a look. With such short time, despite their best efforts, the problem remained unsolved (and unfixed) and I was left to line up with a worried feeling of a nonworking bike.Oh no!

As the gun when off I knew I would have to manage the best I could. The start at Madison had a very long pavement section and I knew whoever would be to the grass first would have to be able to spin the gears out at the highest rpms for the longest. My legs were spinning faster then a gerbil on a wheel! It was apparent from the start when I stood that my gear issue was worse when I stood and applied tension to the chain... I would need to sit most of this race. Not a good thing on a ss with a hill. Standing and grinding it out on a ss is pretty much essential. Regardless, I had to focus on time to make up when I could. Stay smooth in the mud. Keep my head straight.

(Thanks to some pics from competitor Julie Sroka (on the right), here's a pic showing one of the last times I applied much tension to my chain... right after the gun went off!)

I hit the grass in the top 5, after a couple turns, up to the top 3, and a little past that up to 2nd. And then we hit the hill. I stood out of instinct. Mistake! I was sure I snapped the weary chain with the tension. It didn't sound good. I had no pit bike. Oh no!

I got off, shouldered the bike and ran the hill as one place passed me. My Bob's Red Mill teammate, Meghan K, power through and I was at least happy it was her. I didn't break the chain, but I knew I would have to run every hill from there on out. Something was majorly wrong and as the mud collected on the drive train it only got worse. I just had to make the best of it. It was so frustrating!!!! My legs and 1.5 lungs felt amazing. Coach Mark had me right where I needed to be in such a short time to train!

(Heading into the barriers after a great, fun, slippery downhill corner. I LOVE a high speed barrier... but this was fun too.)

I held on to third place for a long time until finally my chain was slipping so bad I felt like I maybe connected power to wheel every 3-4 pedal strokes. I was passed again and faded to 4th as my competitors and spectators said "that doesn't sound good." We had a big gap on the rest of the field and I just prayed I would finish the last lap without a broken chain and hold on to 4th. Way better than I expected and a huge surprise to make the podium at Nationals! I babied it along trying so hard to not apply the power my legs had in them to get back up to 3rd again... I knew doing that would risk me falling off the podium completely and even worse than that- a DNF. I held out and the bike made it across the finish line for a solo 4th!

Podium!!!!

(A bit blurry... but a snap shot of the podium! Bob's Red Mill had a nice presence for sure with 2nd and 4th! Congrats to all the "podium" girls!)

I knew I had so much more, and I dare say I have no doubt I could have battled for the win that day... but no place for what ifs. It is what it is. Some days the body fails, some days the bike does. That's racing as they say, it's the whole package and I should have made sure my equipment worked a bit more in advance. I was honestly still very shocked and honored, not to mention blessed to be on the podium at our National event after everything that has happened last year. How could I complain? I wasn't even to be alive.

So I didn't complain. Just smiled from ear to ear.

Take 1 in Madison made me get the taste of the podium again. I would have never expected it, but now I had to look to Friday and my Master's Championship event. In all the USAC National Championship events I've done I've never placed higher then 4th. Was it time to best that? The same season after nearly dying?

I now I knew I was ready for it!

What would Take 2 bring?

I couldn't wait to find out. Now I had 48 hrs for my mind to digest it all and amp up for things to come!

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(Great shot from one of the best photogs ever! www.podiuminsight.com. Verona provided a great backdrop for racing!)

Saved the Worst for Last. Worlds.

2012-01-15T17:44:00.000-08:00

(Can't get any better backdrop than this! L'ville in the distance and a UCI World Champ banner above you!)

Well, the season is officially a "wrap" with this weekends passing of the 2012 Master's World Championships event in L'ville. I've been on the road, sick (more on that later), and busy playing bike racer for the last few weeks so I have a little updating to do to the blog here as a result. I guess logically most people would think I should start with my reports on where I last left off... which would mean I would get to my USAC National Championship event in Madison, WI, but I've decided to do otherwise and start with this last race first.

Reason being? Well, it was my worse "race" I have ever done in my career and once I write this blog, I really just want to put it behind me and focus on all the other positive things that came out of the season. Not that my trip down didn't have good things, or that I didn't have some fun; but my race was something that wasn't one of them.

(I think the look on my face says it all... post body slam and just trying to hold on till the end!)

Backing up to the week before heading to Worlds: Most of you know I was struggling with bronchitis/ sinusitis/ pharyngitis that got going the day before my Master's race in WI. It blew up once I got home and I was forced to lay in bed for 5 days praying it would pass for my trip down to World's in time. I was taking so many herbs, antibiotics, and anything else (humidifier) I could do to move it along. But when your sick, your sick and things like that just have to run their course. I rallied enough Friday before my race to make it to pre-ride the venue. I was pretty tired after the short ride but after seeing what we were faced with, fitness really wasn't what determine the winner.

(Frozen deep ruts, everywhere, Oh MY!)

After a rainy, muddy race the day previous, and sub freezing temps the next day, almost every inch of the course was filled with frozen, unmovable ruts with areas of ice in between. I was devastated to be honest. I've never rode anything like that (not that many people in their right minds have) and after a lap around, I realized I was very terrified of these conditions. Okay. So now what? I tried to collect my thoughts and reasoned that the staff would have taken note that many, many people were crashing (badly) and switch over the tape a bit to make this a true test of cyclocross. After all, us old people don't bounce off the ground as well as non-master's! Surely that would happen. I can't believe how many times I heard racers saying "all they have to do is shift the tape over," or "I came all this way to ride my bike."

I went to bed that night not being anxious about how my fitness prep had been, but a nervous wreck about how I would be able to go to work on Monday from wrecking... how much was this going to be worth to me?

As race day arrived the course remained the same. I pre-rode with a different tire selection and felt a little better about my race. I knew I had the chops and the fitness. I had all the belief that I could live up to the race predictions from the media that I was a favored top 3. But-

Turns out I'm not the best frozen rut racer in the world.

I started off strong on the pavement. My legs felt so great as I kept right there easily with L. Bassette, the heavy favorite, but as soon as we hit the ruts, I started moving backward in the pack. I got behind a crash in the frozen sand and was instantly in the back of the pack. I started back up and was slowly picking my way back up to about 10th and then it was all over. I hit a cross rut that was filled with ice, slammed to the ground, and had to think twice about getting back up. Yet I did. I had badly hit my right elbow, couldn't feel my hand, and as I got back on my bike I realized I dropped my chain. Being that I couldn't feel my hand and was in a lot of pain, it took a very long time to get it back going again. DFL.

(Ready to look on to the next adventure: Master's World's 2012 and the season came to a end after 1 lap of racing. Photo: Chris Jones)

(Things started out pretty cool with a #3 call-up, but went down hill from there.)

After that, I worked back up a few places. I made the decision that doing more damage wasn't worth the risks for me and I pretty much shut it down and crawled around until I got the red light to finish. I might as well walked the course except with a unstable ankle that has had 5 operations, I didn't think that would be a safe option either. I finished 15th. So I'm considered 15th in the World (or master's usa version 2.0 with a couple Canadian mixed in). I finished the race and I kept the faith. Meaning I did all I could to represent myself in a Christan manner. I smiled. Made the best of it. It's a bike race.

I had came to win, but it wasn't meant to be.

(One of the frozen technical descents that had it's share of victims.)

I had told myself months ago that my goal was to just be able to line up at Worlds. I never imagined I would have thought I could win it. Back then I told myself I would be a winner for just lining up, so in that regard and given everything that I've went through this year: I'm a winner in my mind. That's what is important at the end of the day. I finished even though I was in a great deal of pain with my elbow (which is now all bundled up in a sling). In a course that was full of constant bumps, having a elbow the size of a softball didn't feel to smurfy.

(Those World numbers look pretty rad on the Panache/ Bob's Red Mill Kit!

http://www.panachecyclewear.com/)

I won't lie and say I'm not bummed out about it. I was very disappointed the course really only showed who was willing to take risks and maybe not set up cx racing for the all around picture of fitness and skill. That's just my opinion (and several other I spoke to) though.

Major kudos to those who won and placed highly. They are true world champions who risked it all to be on the top steps. I just wasn't willing to do that. It was my worse race ever, but worse things have happened to me. Things that are still very fresh in my mind and I'm women enough to say I didn't want to do anything that would bring me close to nearly dying again, plus I just couldn't bear to have a major injury again to make my family and loved ones worry about. I can suffer, but it tears me up to think about having them have to go through anything else so soon again. That's just being honest and that's okay in my book.

I lined up.

I fought my own personal fight.

I kept the faith and

I finished the race.

Big thanks to all who cheered and helped me out there this weekend! It was very cool of you all. I look forward to next year to give it a better go... as long as there are no frozen ruts!

I Won A Series!

2012-01-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was filled with travel and racing for me, just as the next couple weeks will be too. I'm currently hanging out in Madison, WI with my feet up awaiting my first CX Nationals race of the week tomorrow, so what better time to write a blog before the week turns into full gear race mode. I've been lucky enough to take some vacation away from work to play bike racer a bit, so I'm enjoying my "other" life here for a while and it's nice to be able to focus on what I need to do to race for a couple big events you may all of heard of: USAC National Cyclocross Championships and UCI Master's World Championships.

Saturday was the final ICX series race of the year in Zionsville near Indy. I knew going into the race that I had to finish pretty high on the steps to take the series title and I knew exactly who I had to beat to do it. My goal for the race was to do this, to take the series overall. I would have never imagined being in contention to win a series title a few short months ago, but I put in just enough ICX races to qualify and I was pretty happy to be able to have a chance to win! Sure, I wanted to be able to have a shot at the higher profile OVCX series title... but life just didn't work out that way this year and I was actually honored to take one of the first elite series titles in a series that is in it's beginnings. At the rate it is going and the success of how well it has been run by Planet Adventure, it will only get bigger!

So race day was looking pretty sloppy with power sucking mud and a bit of a killer run-up mixed in there. The course had a lot of elevation changes and it was pretty tough for me. I started fair enough, felt pretty decent, but Gerry Schulze obviously felt better. Way better. I knew I was in trouble as she grinded her way up a steep incline I had to run up. Kudos to her as she passed me and that was the last I saw of 1st place....

(Started off strong and stayed out front until the steep run-up. After that Gerry (Biowheels rider on right) pretty much killed everyone! Great job to her! All photos this posting courtesy of Planet Adventure http://www.indianacxcup.com/index.php.)

That was actually fine with me. I gave chase to her for a bit, but she was on fire and I knew I would have to put in a near throw-up effort to catch her. I quickly assessed my position to the other gals and got comfortable in 2nd place and knew I would take home the series the way things stood. I was lucky enough to have my buddy Aaron pitting of me and I took a clean bike every lap which is great practice and just makes life so much easier in those conditions!

(This was pretty much my problem: I should have put some spikes in my shoes for some traction. I was lucky to get up the hill as well as I did but I was sliding all over the place.)

After the race I was instantly frozen. It was quite the chilly day and I quickly changed and set up shop in front of a propane heater while we waited for the series awards to take place. It ended up taking some time (as is expected) which was all fine and normal, but knowing Aaron and I had a long night of driving to Chicago and bike cleaning didn't make the time go any faster. We finally hit the road, had dinner, and arrived in Chicago around 9pm or so. Tired! But it was the perfect way to bring in the New Year!

(Coming across the finish. I was feeling blessed to have taken the ICX Series Win!)

Ahh yes... so Chicago New Year's Resolution UCI Race. The city I learned how to do anesthesia, ride in the wind, and how to keep my shoulders broad! Turns out, 6 years after moving away from there, it didn't disappoint for a UCI cyclocross race either. Chicago is cut throat, you have to stand up and be tough or get torn apart, and that's pretty much how the cx race went. Except I think I made it out of my anesthesia training way better then I did the cx race.

With my last row start I pretty much wasn't looking to do great, and pretty much knew I was there to get in a good, hard effort with some full time pros before nats and worlds. I started good enough, kept up, and felt fine. That is until my bike didn't work anymore. It was the most horrible composition of mud I have ever encountered. Mix that with some sand trap gravel, 40+ mph freezing cold sideways wind, course tape in cassettes, and things just didn't go well from the get go. It made for a long race. I ended up pushing and running around with my bike more than I rode it. I def got running and shouldering practice in. I think I did a better job at finding the humor of the entire race than letting my poor standings get to me. I ended up a few spots off last, 16h, not too bad considering I really didn't bury myself to make a frozen up bike go when it didn't want to. Brutal. Just brutal.

After that we heading to home sweet home for a short bit. Aaron pretty much had to rebuild the bikes from the all the mud. Thank goodness he didn't need anything major that I didn't already have since I was only home about 24 hrs before making the trip up here.

It's been fun so far. Single speed race is tomorrow. Should be interesting. I've never rode a ss cx bike before, but I thought it would be fun to do to get a couple races out of the trip.

I did just take it for a spin in the hotel hallway though. I maneuvered the businessman obstacle pretty good. He had the "deer in the headlight" look and stated that he wasn't expecting to see a bike rider in the hallway...

Well Sir, get used to it,

Cyclocross Circus is coming to town!

Stella? Steelllaaa!

2011-12-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

(Digging into the red zone at the IN State Championships race to try and hunt down 1st place... I came up short and finished 2nd on a really great muddy course)

II just think Stella may be getting her groove back! Slowly, but not as slow as I had expected really. I figured cross season would be lots of fun riding around in circles this year, but I didn't think I would stand a chance at any type of fitness to be honest.

But here I am!

Funny, how I went from that thought, to the thought of being upset for placing second instead of first. Amazing how the competitive juices get flowing once you get a taste of winning again. It's addictive!

So I may have mentioned it before here, but I'm a huge Seinfeld fan, and pretty much have wasted a small corner in my brain memorizing most of the episodes line for line. I'm sure this knowledge will help me someday... but for now I will just unleash one of my favorite lines from Elaine with the Stella comment. If you've seen the episode great, if not, you should go watch it. Every time I get a little out of whack or off balance I feel like my inner Stella has lost her groove. Stella is still missing a bit, but I'm definitely getting her back bit by bit!

I've pieced a lot of it back since June at break neck speed. However, I still found out that I lacked my starting hole shot groove that I once was so accustomed to. Last Sat I did my first double race weekend since the NDE. My coach and I were both curious how my body/ and myesthenia would handle this stress, so it was an important weekend for me. Saturday was the state championships in Bargersville. I was stoked to just be considering taking a win at this race. However, it was not to be. I had a terrible start and got caught behind some muddy traffic on the first lap. Not a good thing to do in muddy conditions. By the time I found a clear path, Sierra S. had laid down the law and was a good 40 seconds ahead of me. I fought my best to get back, buried myself really, got her lead down to about 6 seconds, until it was too late and I had to settle for a hard fought second place. Sierra rode a great, smart race and I was happy for her and she deserved to win.

(This would be how to NOT start a race. It even looks like I am somehow going backwards. All photos this post credit to

http://photos.planetadventurerace.com/)

I was bummed at myself for not putting it all together and making the mistake at the start, but that's how it goes sometimes. Sometimes you make mistakes that cost you and when your competitor doesn't, they deserve the win that day. Overall though, I was happy with the rest of my race and I was pretty happy at the effort I was able to put in to narrow the gap. I hadn't put my mindset back in the mode to make myself suffer that much for a long time, maybe because fighting for my life required a enormous amount of suffering that I hadn't made the decision to do it freely again, but I pushed my envelope during this race and I was happy with that.

The next day we headed to Lebanon near NW Indy. This was at a fairgrounds and at first preview of the course I was a bit bummed at the easy profile they had laid out compared to the previous day. However, after the sun came out and muddied it up a bit, I was pretty stoked on it. I think the promoters did a great job on the layout to give it a good feel for the nationals like course in Madison, WI in a couple weeks.

I was still mad at myself from my race the day before and I had all the determination to improve my start. I did just that and took the lead on the first turn and never looked back. I felt pretty junky on the first lap, but after that I kept focusing on the master's men ahead of me and started picking those guys off one by one. The legs loosened up and I felt good after that. I got a little settle-in midway and kudos for Gerry S. and Liz C. for making me get back out of the saddle again since they fought hard to not hand me a free ride.

(Hole shot.... much better!)

I got back on the gas and savored the win on the last lap. It felt so good to take this win against some ladies I really respect. Plus, I was a bit giddy at doing so well in a race after such a power draining day previous. I didn't know what to expect with the 2 back to back races, but looks like Stella got this part of the groove back too!

It was a nice weekend of racing and it was good to be back on the road again doing the "race thing." I have to give another major thanks to Aaron Hawkins for helping me get to the races, pitting for me, and taking care of the bikes! I can't wait until the next race weekend rolls around.

Also check out the great freelance articles by Robert Annis on the weekend of racing:

http://www.cxmagazine.com/2011-indiana-state-championships-siebenlist-anderson-take-cyclocross-crowns

and

http://www.cxmagazine.com/2011-indiana-cup-series-cyclocross-borem-burke

(Pretty sure this is the raddest photo of me for the year so far. Barriers are my favorite single aspect of cx, so it's good to see my technique is spot on!)

(What cross race would be complete without a little heckling from Shamrock Cycles crew? Having a little chuckle to myself here. )

(AWWWW Yeahhhh!)

(Podium girls: Elizabeth Cobb, Me, and Gerry Schulze. Great job ladies!)

Thanks as always for reading everyone! It's been a wild year so far and the year will hold one more event until the calender turns to 2012. I can feel the chill in the air and the excitement growing in my heart for Cyclocross Nationals and Master's fracking World goodness Championships! Wow!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Enjoy your loved ones, all you have been blessed with, and the REAL meaning of Christmas.

Jesus Christ, out Saviour.

I certainly know I will!

Because it can can change in The Blink of an Eye!

Uncharted Ground

2011-12-15T18:19:00.000-08:00

(Finally frozen ground with some mud snuck in!! I LOVE CX!

Sweet photos and angles by Chris Jones in this post: http://cycleexposure.com)

So it's now mid- December, and I'm racing bikes. Not only am I racing, I've got several races to go until having my short season come to a end in mid-January. This is a bit of uncharted ground for me... along with most of us cross racers. Now that the season has been extended (which I like btw) a month in length I am discovering new challenges to what that brings. Luckily for me, I have no lack of motivation or burnout since my season has been broken up by the NDE. However, I am finding that us Northerners may find ourselves in a interesting love hate relationship with having to train through the brutal weather of December in a quality way. I think my average real feel temps on my rides in the last 2 weeks have been about 25 degrees, and with a full work schedule... most of those come in the dark. Facing sub freezing temps and brutal wind conditions on daily training rides is the only motivation I find a bit challenging to overcome, and I am trying to trick my heart into thinking that will help my body be prepared for the frozen tundra in WI come nationals time in January. I guess we'll find out soon enough. I'm not complaining about it... just my observation.

(With temps in the teens, I'm not sure if I'm smiling or if my mouth is frozen that way)

So speaking of frozen tundra, I met up with it first hand last weekend. More on that later. The newly beefed up Indiana Cx Cup (http://www.indianacxcup.com/index.phpseries) continued in my neck of Indiana last weekend at none other than a venue that is my local practice course. The bike Depot is about 1 hr down the road for me and is actually a place I had some say in the original course design. Needless to say, I know the course pretty good. It turns out I knew it a little too good. In all fairness to everyone the route was changed on race day. I loved the layout and it was good fun... but my mind was still in autopilot of the original layout. I had been on-call in OB world the night before the race and I just so happened to be making future mom's to be nice and comfy all night long leaving me not so fresh minded on a few hrs of sleep come race time. That's where knowing the original course would have been a bonus for me... but shutting that memory off in my mind and switching on a new one didn't go over so well on such little sleep. I took off and within 200 yards I goofed the turn and found myself playing catch up to Kiersta Tucker. Kiersta gets baller points for being the only brave elite wmone's sole to make the trip up north to race when I usually spend the entire season making 4+ hour drives to race other gals. So big thanks to having her come and keep me on top of my pedals all day.

Anyway, we went back and forth through the race and after she tested out the muddy corner on the ground, I gained a little advantage over her until I decided to test out a section of frozen ground myself. Turns out, the frozen ground doesn't give AT ALL. I hit pretty hard, and what I thought at the time was me knocking the wind out of me, turned into me later discovering blood in my urine and having a bruised kidney. BAM! That's all behind me now and I don't feel I need to test out the ground that is that hard anytime again soon.

Anyway, after I ripped my fav Bob's Red Mill skin suite, I got back up and fought back to 1st place again. I ended up grabbing a hard fought win over KT. Making that my 5th cx type win of the year.

Sweetness!!!!

I hope that isn't the last time I charter that ground (or podium step) this year.

(Parting shot: post wrecked jersey, staring down the barriers at the Fort Wayne Outfitters)

Encore Please!

2011-12-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

(Focusing my sights on the next mud section last weekend at the final MTV ICX race. Big thanks to Chris Jones http://facebook.com/cjones1986

for the excellent photos this post and for the blog header pic!)

The concert (cx) tour has started! At least for me.

I know the cycling world seems to be wrapping up the 2011 season and looking on to next year already, but I'm just getting my feet wet. So as a result, I feel like I'm coming to the show after the last song at a concert has been sung and all that is left is the encore. The OVCX series has come and gone and I am super bummed to have not been able to give the series overall my best effort (or any effort at all), but lucky for me the people at Planet Adventure and the efforts of some really great people in Indiana have got a legit December schedule lined up for me to get ready for the encore up in WI and down in L'ville come January.

That's right, I plan on putting a shot into Master's worlds and I've got a little bit of time to prep and see what happens come January.

I have to laugh a little when I think about getting pumped up to race a World Championship race on a bicycle, especially when I was doing a little grocery shopping the other day a memory from a few months ago hit me while I was waiting in line behind a person in a handicap cart. I thought back to my first trip outside of the house where my friend Anne took me to the grocery store. I had to ride the little cart because I was too weak to walk around still. Anne and her daughter Bethany helped me get a few supplies, we were there maybe 30 minutes and I was so exhausted I had to take a few hour nap after getting home.

And now I'm going to attempt to race in a World Championship. How's that for a encore to the season?

(Lining up with a strong field of up and comers, future stars, and proven experts. Indiana Cyclocross Series is growing quickly!)

So I've been getting back to racing lately. I started back working with my cycling coach Mark Fasczewski. I felt it was finally time to have a plan and felt like I could finally follow some direction instead of being so day to day on how I have felt. I'm happy to be back with Mark and I look forward to what progress we can make in the little time we have to prepare for the end of the cx season championships. It's a bit humbling and eye opening to see how my numbers have faded with all of this... but what could I have expected? People don't gain watts by laying in hospital beds and couches for 3+ months.

(I was thankful for a muddy race! Made me feel like a true cross racer again!)

Last weekend was the third race down at the Marion University Cyclocomplex. I really like the venue as it has a fair mix of techy, finesse, and power sections. A good variety of everything as I feel a cross course should be. The weather is turning into more challenging conditions and I tend to favor those sort of terrain challenges. Marion gals are no joke as anyone who follows cycling knows and anytime I can reach a podium there is great in my book. Mix together superstars of the future with some really strong regional riders and we have some great racing.

I was lucky enough to make the trip with my good friend Aaron Hawkins again. He played pro mechanic for me and that instantly takes a ton of stress off when the conditions are muddy! He was a huge help getting the bikes around, and even though I only had 1 bike change (for practice), he made it super easy for me to just ride my bike. I'm finally starting to get the pre race routine of cross back down and falling into a groove. I'm a big advocate of sticking with the same prep race after race, so it's nice to get that flow back!

My plan was just to try and ride as smoothly as possible and that slowly helped me work my way up to 3rd place after a bit of a slow 1st lap. The course had some changes from the other times and I had to run up one section. It was good to see that I handled this stress much better then several weeks ago since I really haven't had a run-up since. Before it just hammered me to to a run -up. Now it is coming much, much easier! By the end of the race I honestly didn't know where my placing was, but I was please to learn I ended up on the podium once again for the weekend. Now I just need to add some power to that smoothness and I should have a good mix like I once knew.

All in good time though. Some things can't be rushed.

Just like when the band hangs out backstage to let the crowd grow the excitement for the encore...

makes that last song seem even more sweet!

Gravel Grovel Rocks

2011-11-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

Normally this time of year on the bike for me is 100% cyclocross. That being said, 100% doesn't leave much room for all the cool little events that round out the season of mountain biking in the fall. Obviously, my life has changed a bit this year and I've had an opportunity to mix in some events I've always wanted to do, but just couldn't fit in. Top on that list is the SRAM Gravel Grovel. 62 some miles post holiday on gravel roads with some dirt mixed in seems like a great time to me (except for the 3,000 ft of climbing involved). I had the time off work, so I was excited to go down and ride the race and try to survive the mileage. I say survive because I hadn't rode my bike that far since the day before surgery way back in June and I had no idea how the newly diagnosed myesthenia gravis issue would manage me riding at said distance with some hills mixed in there. So I headed down with some Men of Steel teammates to cruise through a fun "ride" to get some miles in for the remainder of the fractured cross season I've had.

The day of the "ride" I headed to registration and there I got a glimpse of the trophies (see above) that the winners would be given. I've won a tons of trophies over the years... so many that sometimes they become garbage shortly after I get home. But for some reason, I fell in love with the sweet limestone rock for this event. I totally wanted one! I knew it would never happen though so I decided to snap a picture of one while I was in line. While doing so, Singlespeed bad ass Bushong made the comment to me: "can't you just take a picture of it after you take it home?" Yeah right, I had NO chance at that... or did I? Should I change my approach to the "ride" and give it a good racing try?

You bet I should! I got my number and headed over to my friend/ domestique for the day, Aaron, and told him I saw the trophy and that I really wanted it. Change of plans... and the rest is history. I did my best to stay near the front with the guys at the start in all hopes to catch as many groups to draft as I could stay with as best I could. Aaron buried himself for me to stay stuck to his draft for 25 miles straight. I felt pretty good at that point, saw I had about 1 minute over Angie Sexton at that time, and knew I had to crush it on every off road, downhill, and flat section I could. That's what I did. I was in disbelief at how well my body was doing, and I felt so blessed every time I made a climb I saw other guys walking. Flashbacks for motivation of hospital days when the physical therapist had a safety belt and a walker to help me get out of bed raced though my head and kept me going. Maybe it's a bit of an unfair advantage to have that sort of motivation in my head.

At the 50ish mile turn around in Story. I saw I had gained at least a 10 minute advantage, but I wanted to keep the heat on in case I needed any buffer if I had a bike break down or crash. That never happened thankfully and at 59 miles I was really starting to feel the pain. I found one last small group to gather with and after suffering for about 3 miles I pulled out of my dark cave with the help of some encouraging guys (thanks Dean Peterson) who were struggling a bit as well, turned over a quick recovery and brought it to the finish line at around 4 hours and 25 minutes. I rode a rock solid race and couldn't wait to get that rock! Coming into the race finish chute I got a little choked up emotionally. I felt like a bit of a dork and giggled to myself a little bit. I wandered how many times it would take for me to come across the line and not get emotional about what I've been through and the amazement of how far I've come.

Then I decided that feeling that way is okay and I kinda really hope I never lose those emotions, never take it for granted, to always be forever thankful for my life and what I am able to do.

Like a rock, I stand firm in that belief and I won't budge on what I know God has given me.

The Grovel was a sweet event. Nicely put on by Sub 9 and everyone who came had a great attitude during the race. Sram was amazing in their support and gave away so much swag that a lot of racers came away with some cool stuff. I think I will add this to one of my favorite races all around, winning always helps with that, but the atmosphere and facilities add to that decision, plus they had Yatz gumbo for a post-race dinner! Yum.

So here's a picture of the trophy at home (thanks to Jeff Bushong). I decide I would put it on the fireplace next to one of my pottery pieces from a local Brown County potter. Fitting after all. I don't think I will throw this one away anytime soon!

Thanks to Todd and Kent for driving me down and all around good guy Aaron Hawkins for all his help, along with every other dude I met on the gravel roads that worked with me groveling along the way.

Saint Doug

2011-11-15T07:55:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting that it’s almost 5 months to the day that I had my ankle surgery: 6/14/11. It’s 4 am and I’ve just been startled awake by a nightmare that have become a common thing for me since I was fighting for my life 2 days after the above date. When I first came back to my own home after living with my parents after getting out of the hospital I had the terrors every night. Every. Single. Night. I hated the night time. I would feel the fear rise in me as the sun set. Now, they come less frequently and I actually haven’t had one for a few weeks until this morning. I won’t lie, after I have a terror I dread going to sleep for several nights after them in fear I will have one again, but I know someday they will be a thing of the past I won’t have to dread it. Thankfully, they are not as bad as they once were.

So here’s a personal insight and I share because it only strengthens how awesome it is to be surrounded by such amazing people (biking world or not), and that I hope each day we all take a moment to realize that amazing people touch our lives so much when you least expect it. You can plan life all you want, but life makes it’s plans regardless.

In my terror, which is the same every time, I feel a tremendous pain in my right lung, the burning with each breath is like a huge fire in my right bronchus. Every breath I take feels like I am trying to hold in that last breath you take when you’re underwater trying to stay there until the very last minute before coming up. It’s takes the most strength I’ve ever used. Each and every breath, and I’m breathing about 60 times a minute I figure.

I’m drowning.

Again.

Only this time in my nightmare. I recall the phrase I told myself in the hospital “I’m having a PE, I know I am going to die” In my terror, I feel immediate fear, then calm. I FEEL God. I see the image of my anesthesia colleague, Doug Pruitt standing by my side, holding my hand, saying everything I needed to hear. I was locked onto his eyes, fearing and fighting every single breath. I knew where I was heading, I just couldn’t take a break from struggling to breath to tell Doug, to tell him I was going to die and I needed him to intubate me, but for a guy who has been in medicine as long as I’ve lived, he knew without me saying it. I saw the look on his face. Then I remember thinking again, “Well dying just isn’t a good option.” And I set my mind to it. Set my mind to moving on. That image of Doug is seared forever. I know I could paint a perfect picture Doug’s pupils by memory. Now I call him Saint Doug... even though he chuckles when I say it, he’s MY saint. And I’m not even Catholic!

Then I wake up from the night terror... calm. Then return to immediate fear. Someone is in my bedroom. A large figure staring at me from the foot of my bed. I can’t make it out clearly but he is just standing there. What are they doing here, what are they going to do to me? I’m scared half to death, it’s worse than the nightmare! And then the figure is gone. I’m safe again. Calm.

For the first month after I was home, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together. I lie awake until daylight in fear that the person may come back. Then I realized the figure was always there watching over me, I was fearing something that wasn’t meant to be feared. Something was in my room with me... but not in the perspective I had at first thought. I’m not pushing any assumptions on you here, but I know without a doubt that there is a presence in my room, I feel it, I know it. Take from that whatever you want and believe whatever you want. I’m just saying what I experience. I KNOW what I experience.

It’s interesting that despite it being 5 months ago, my mind still fires those memories and these terrors. In medicine, major life trauma and injury are something that is common place on a daily basis to us. We see and understand (somewhat) how the physical body heals and how we expect it to recover, but no one ever really tells you what to expect from your mind after you have such an experience. I know I still struggle with that, I get frustrated with it, but I must embrace it to learn and grow from it. The good part is that even though I still have nightmares, I only dread the nightmare part. The part where I drown. Feeling calm and having faith in Saint Doug (real heros of this world) and the presence that is watching over me in my bedroom? I welcome that.

I’m thankful to have witnessed amazing people here on earth and an amazing presence from...

Dare I say heaven?

Yes, I do.

Every single moment.

Every single time.

Every single breath.

Epic!

2011-11-11T14:02:00.000-08:00

Epic defined by urban dictionary:

A word that used to be used to describe a book, a movie or other work as timeless, great, and meaningful. Is now used by douchebags who combine it with "win" or "fail" to describe everyday things.

True definition of epic:

Surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size.

Epic: is highly overused in cycling. That's a fact.

Today I broke out the word epic: I said to myself I must be having the most epic string of bad luck ever. I was having a pity party sort of day. I try really hard to not have these moments, try to keep my chin up, ALWAYS trust in the plan that God has. His epic plan. Today I was a bit tired of "keeping my chin up." I had just had enough! I allowed myself to be bummed out with my situation for the 1st time in a while. As most may not know of me, I was an incredibly shy child, I don't think I even spoke 2 sentences at school to until the 3rd grade. I used to tell my Mom how nervous I was and she would say then and even today; "honey, just walk in there like you own the place. Never lose sight of who you ARE and the rest will fall into place." Well, I haven't lost sight of that, but it doesn't mean I understand why things happen to me, but I felt I had every right to admit that the last couple years have been a bit epic in the bad luck department concerning my health.

I've just been released from a 4 day stay in the ICU. This coming almost 5 months from the day that I had spent 11 days there fighting for my life. I was just getting back to feeling somewhat normal. I did a fun cx race in Yorktown last weekend, woke up Monday with a small bite behind my right knee. I went about my business and by Wed I had a draining wound, by Thursday I had fever and a full blown case of cellulitis and a swollen leg. Friday afternoon I was laying back in a hospital bed getting strong antibiotics and medicine to help with severe dizziness and nausea along with IV fluid to help with dehydration. Compared to my last stay this was a minor speed bump on my way to recovery. Minor to me, but I was still feeling pretty crummy, I didn't want to be there, and I was bummed out about yet another health problem. How can this be possible?

(This is the healed version of the infection. Prior to the antibiotics it was very swollen and draining all sorts of bad stuff).

I mean seriously! As some say: I'm the healthiest sick person they know. Yep, that's me. But the truth is, I don't really view myself as a sick person. Just a gal who is on a epic journey. I feel that deep down I'm a kid at heart living the dream. Here's how that goes:

Every time I have ever used epic to describe a ride it has been a ride I have chosen to go on. I take off, usually get lost, have no idea where I am, run out of food and water, bonk, get saved somehow, regroup, ride tons more miles than planned, enjoy the most wonderful scenery, then make it home. From guess what? That's right... an epic ride.

Well, this is somehow the same. Except I didn't chose to have these things happen to me. They just happened. I don't understand why they happened. I've felt very bad physically at times, my friends, family, and God saved me. Matter of fact, I can maybe only remember about 3 months in the last 2 years where I ever felt "good." I carry on and each time I am thankful even more to be where I am. It's epic.

Here's a low down of the past couple years:

July 2010 emergency appendectomy. October '10 Broken ribs at UCI3. Nov '10 Viral Meningitis. Dec '10 Ankle surgery to repair fracture. June '11 Tarsal Tunnel Release- 2 days later- The NDE PE. Live and 2 weeks later develop myopathy/ myasthenia gravis. Nov '11 Severe leg infection... and this is all not mentioning of the 5 operations I had in the previous 4 years before this.

Enough already!

(Normally I get these from cyclocross battles... but this season they came from having many iv's and blood draws)

Yet, I keep my chin up. Heaven only knows why. As quickly as I had the pity party day, it passed on just as quickly. I've got things to do, places to see, and life to experience!

I can either fight like hell or lay down and die...

I had the chance to lay down and die and I passed on that option once already so I guess I'll fight like hell!

Life is going to be EPIC...

I just pray in a different way.

What Other Choice Do I Have?

2011-11-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

(First race in a elite women's field. Felt great to take off on the start line again!

Thanks to all photos here from Cycle Exposure www.cycleexposure.com)

(It had been a long time since I stepped up on a real podium. Snuck in a 3rd place at Yorktown ICX)

We all know life full of ups and downs. The risks of failure is never a reason to not attempt to win in my mind. Life goes so up sometimes because of the work you made digging out of the holes you are in because you go out on a limb and fall way down. That's why just being "okay" in life isn't "okay" with me. I like to live life with a full on chance of all out high or all out low.

Right now, I'm feel like a born again cyclist. Everything is a monumental accomplishment. My first 3 hour ride, my first time making it up that hill, the first time racing cross again... whatever it is, I feel like I am doing it all from scratch. I know all the cycling culture, rules, and history, but the physical part is a work from the ground up.

So what other choice do I have? 4 months ago when I needed someone help me do simple things like brush my teeth for me, or when I had to live with my parents after coming home from the hospital for weeks, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't get better some day to take care of myself. I just focused on each day get better. I was in a big valley with the peaks far away. I didn't like where I was at, but appreciated everything and every moment for what I did have knowing I would get better.

Fast forward about 5 months... and I did my first sanctioned cycling race in an elite women's field. I was so excited to even get to line up that I was like a newbie. The race was near Marion College in Indy and there were a handful of young college gals I was racing against. After going through everything I've went through in the last year... I felt a million years older around them.

I was super excited to be out there at the races again and I was curious to see where I would fair against a women's field. Well, turns out I was still in the valley. I didn't come in last, just next to it, and it was a very humble experience to be beat by people I used to easily beat. BUT my mind wasn't in the valley, I was looking towards the peaks. It takes some hard mental strength to go from being on top of the podium to the back of the pack. Very hard in fact, but I know these are all just steps I must take in order to feel that high high again, and that these struggles now will make getting back there even better. What other choice do I have? I am just happy (for now) to be out there doing something most "normal" people couldn't even do.

(Planet Adventure and ICX put together a fun course. Complete with run up to test out the running flex of the new D2 Fang shoes!)

I also did another race this past weekend in Yorktown with the newly beefed up Indiana Cyclocross Cup series. After a tough week recovering from the MTV race and also trying to fight a sinus and ear infection, plus a full week of passing gas (anesthesia), I decided to give it a go. Once race day arrived I actually felt pretty decent for me and I was happy to roll around the course and put in a solid, steady effort compared to previous weeks. I felt I was getting the hang of attacking the course a little better. I know I still am being smart and not taking too many risks since I'm on blood thinners... but I'll get my groove back once I know it's safer.

(I've still got to wait a bit to get my "groove" back, but week by week I try to relearn what I once did so easily).

Soooo, even though it's been frustrating and humbling to ride and compete in a different respect right now, I'm still happy to be out there and thankful to write a race report! I'm not saying I'm content with staying in the position I'm in right now... but I'm taking it all in and learning to appreciate, love, and be thankful for the blessing I HAVE been given to be out there so I'm enjoying everything and every moment around me.

What other choice do I have?

You're Either IN or You're Out.

2011-10-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

(Crossing the line as the all female amateur National Champion: IN)

In the cycling world

you’re either IN or your OUT.

I’ll admit that I’m a Project Runway fan, I watch it when I can and I enjoy seeing the art form of the fashion world. The main saying in the show is “in the fashion world; one day your in and the next day your out.” While we all know this is true with fashion, think about how more true it is with cycling. If your not out racing or taking part in cycling... your considered out.

Sure, your legend may live on and people may remember your name, but you’re only as good as your last race and the second you fall off the pace... well, you fall off the pace. The cycling world moves on, there is no art work or piece of clothing to carry you on, just the sport itself, it rolls on to the next hopeful just like the circles keep rolling on down the path.

I know I always stress that cycling (bike racing) needs to be done for self fulfillment. I always try to represent that to others and always remind myself that goals for racing, although we race against others, need to be based on personal standards. I think the above fact even stresses that more, if your looking to be a legend to others in cycling... that is a rare thing and you may find you feel a bit empty in your later years if that was what you were hoping for. But if you ride for yourself... not matter if you race, retire, or get a little setback from a injury your always IN.

So every year I make a little fall trip to Brown County Indiana with my Mom. The trip this year was loaded with emotion and some reflection as you can imagine. For the past 4 yrs. or so we scheduled this trip around the Blooming cross OVCX race, as we did this year. I was all set to make a ovcx race appearance, until a nasty flu bug decided that I better wait for that until a later time. Bummer. I was out again for that one. It’s hard to believe, but that the last ovcx race that I did was last year’s B’town race after breaking my ribs at Harbin Park just before that. It has been a series of unfortunate events for me it seems for the last year (or the last 4 years really). I know it seems like I’m “out” of the cycling world to most, but I never really felt like I left, I enjoy the moments I have on the bike even more even though my moments may have different purposes from time to time. I’m very much “in” in my opinion.

We were also here about 4 months ago. We came down for me to get in some hilly training miles and also do the Dino Brown County mtb race. We had a great trip, I won the race, and I was super focused on getting in some good training for this cross season. My mind set at the time was to enjoy the moment, but I was also full of excitement for the fall for cyclocross. Well, one week after that trip events changed my life forever, and my mindset 4 months later is a bit different than what I thought it would be. Instead of tackling the cx season fully fit and ready, I am taking life day by day and making the very best of the situation and the time I have here on earth. I still have the intention of returning to racing someday at a high level... because I enjoy it. It’s just a bit interesting how different my intentions are this trip compared to the last one, yet I’m still loving every minute of it. I was fortunate to get in a sweet, crisp road ride around Bloomington the first day we arrived. Yesterday, I ended up with 4 hours in the saddle on the mtb. It wasn’t so much that I was excited about “training” for 4 hours, it was that I was ABLE to ride for 4 hours and take in so much sweet single track and beauty around me. It felt so good to feel the flow of the singletrak below me, to feel the thrill of the mtb roller coaster, and be IN the woods with the fall trees surrounding me.

Today I’m all set for a rainy road ride. Rainy rides have a greatness all themselves, especially in the fall. Embro, shoe covers, apres velo coffee, and a rain jacket. I love it.

I’m a bike racer that isn’t racing right now, but before I was a racer I was a bike rider at heart and that will always be IN me.

IN me till the day I die.

Are you IN?

Or are you OUT?

That’s really your personal choice.

(And still IN doing a small Kisscross race in Michigan)

Lord Don't Move My Mountain!

2011-10-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

All I ask is that You give me the strength to make it up it!

That has to be one of my favorite quotes as of late. I've never been shy of a good challenge. I've climbed the mountain, been knocked down, climbed it again, and repeated that routine several times. I have to admit that sometimes I wish that maybe I didn't fall so far down sometimes and a good long break at the top would have been nice to enjoy the hard work and resulting success I've worked for... but I really do like the journey up the mountain and I enjoy the challenge, so I'm in a positive mind frame to make the best out of getting knocked well below sea level this time.

How many times do you get knocked down before you give up? It's like watching a boxing match and seeing the guy get pounded hit after hit and he still stays on his feet and tries to put up a good fight. Some hate to see the beating and wish he would just lay down and lose, some are amazed he fights on, some just don't understand and step out of the arena. The fighter doesn't know any other way but to do what is so instinctive to him. He keeps fighting. He may not like what is happening, he may feel defenseless, but he keeps on until he recovers or get knocked out.

I won't particularly say I "like" where I'm at today. But I'm HERE and I'm doing the same the boxer would. I just keep fighting, it's the only thing I know. I know a few people think I should just "settle down" and quit fighting, some just don't understand the drive to move on, but it's all I know how to do. It's just who I am. I can't just take it away. Some days still feel really bad, but some days feel really normal, some moments are back to how I used to feel. Everyday I keep looking up at the peak and know I can make it back up there again. It's just that the ascent is a bit more rockier this time. One of these days I'll get knocked out... I won't make back up the earthly mountain. I am very much aware of that more than I would have ever thought possible, but for now I will carry on.

So on those notes I am slowly noticing my endurance is getting better the last couple weeks. It's been almost four months now and by all accounts of the medical experts, they are amazed at how I'm progressing. A longer day at work isn't as exhausting. I can even do other things after I get done with work instead of come home and sleep for hours and hours. I still require a minimum of 10 hours of sleep a day to function... but now I know to adjust my life for this. Not bad considering I was too sick to take my trash out 2 months ago!

(Thank goodness the barriers still felt like second nature to me.)

I've been able to ride the bike a bit more too and even snuck in a Kisscross "race" this past weekend. Sure, I did the "B" race and sure I could only go one steady speed, but I somehow won and even beat a few guys in the process. It just felt so good to get out and be in a competition that didn't involve me fighting for my life. Talk about a lot less pressure!

(My friend Anne's 14 yo daughter also did her 1st cross race... and won!)

I also got to run my first race for my new team, Bob's Red Mill Cyclocross. I'll be racing for the raddest food company I know all cross season and look forward to representing at some bigger races later in the season. For now, I'm just getting back out in the mix of things. Don't be fooled and think I plan on being super competitive for a while yet, I still have some major recovery to do. But at least I'm heading back up the mountain!

(Felt so good to line back up on the start again)

Go live your life to the fullest everyday people! Don't be afraid of the mountain. Embrace it. Take it on! Enjoy the journey and the amazement of your accomplishment as you make it along the way.

As a special note:

I felt one of the most difficult parts of being in the ICU was knowing my parents and loved ones had to face the real truth that their daughter may not live. I can't even begin to imagine that pain and they are still greatly affected by that.

It's been especially hard for me to have known someone my age that shared the same love as cycling as me since I've met him when I was twelve, recently pass away from an accident. I was so, so very close to not being here myself and it brings up all those emotions of dealing with all the aspects of facing my own illness and near death for me and my parents who also knew him.

Please send your thoughts and prayers to the family and loved ones of a great guy I grew up racing BMX with and someone who I always felt lived life to the fullest. Please pray to help them cope with their recent loss.

(Robbie doing some rad single speed work, building my IF along side a young I. Neff)

Robbie Gast

1977-2011

Maybe it's the rain....

2011-09-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

(Dad and I were treated to a Colts game in a cool way from my surgeon Dr P last weekend and had a great time... aside from the ending score that is)

Maybe it's the rain that is falling today, maybe it's the fact that everyone and their brother is talking about what is happening this weekend at the cross races all over the country, maybe it's the fact that every time I walk out into the newly crisp air I "feel" cross excitement going through my veins. I don't know... but it all has me a bit down.

I've been bound and determined to make it back to elite level racing this year, even if it took me until December to do it. But this past week I think I finally am realizing that somethings can't change no matter how much will power you put into it. Nothing can change the fact of what I went through, that's okay, but for some crazy reason I had my blinders on when all the experts in medicine told me all this would take a long time to recover from. A long time? Like a few months right? I said that to the neurologist recently and she responded to me like I was a 1st grader. I can't blame her really. I mean, I am in the medical field and it seems to be pretty obvious when you break it all down what sort of massive healing process my body needs to do. When she said "a year to feel pretty normal," I'm not sure why I felt I could or should prove her wrong. It's not a contest. And it seems like I'm the only idiot that expects myself to feel "normal" at this point or expecting it to be back to normal very soon.

Whatever. So what if my lungs still are exchanging gases inappropriately from lingering inflammation, so what if my muscles and neuromuscular junction are functioning at 50% capacity for the next 6 months or longer, so what if I still have a lingering fever and my body is trying to recover all the little red blood cells that were taken from me for about a hundred blood draws. So what?

So it's not the easiest reality to take for someone who has always been active and independent. I had some very tough, life changing days when I was in the ICU... but I had something to do... try to stay alive. Now, my only choice is to sit around and wait to get better. It doesn't seem like I do anything. Which I know is the best thing, but very different than what I'm accustomed to doing, and very much not what I want to be doing! It frustrates me to no end, but when my muscles and energy levels drop, it stops me dead in my tracks and I have no other choice but to put my head down and rest. If the gas (acetylcholine) isn't there to run the engine, the engine just doesn't go no matter how ready it is.

Simple as that.

Some people look at me, see me as the engine that looks just fine, but what they don't know is that I don't have any energy to make myself go... no gas. It's a little strange to feel like I need to explain that to some people when I know I appear just fine. It's also been a very intriguing observation how people I have known for years that work in health care have reacted to me since I've returned to work. Most have been great and very supportive, but others treat me as if I have some sort of black plague and I find they treat complete strangers with more understanding and compassion. Just an interesting social aspect I've noticed along with all the other stuff. If I had the energy right now, I would do some sort of study on it.

I'm also learning I don't need to make excuses for myself, it's a discovered fact and there is nothing I can do about it until I've had proper time to heal. That's just how it has to be and I've started to see and realize the fact that this is a long haul ahead of me. I am learning that ANY day of activity, being it be a small half day trip somewhere, a few hours at work, or a easy 1 hour bike ride; will require 2 fold that in rest and sleep. I've learned that I can't make plans or get delusions of grandeur the day after I have a task to complete. It's just different now.

I think about how much my life has changed in a year. I know change happens in life and I actually enjoy change. Like I stated in previous blogs about the near death experience (NDE) I am not angry it happened and I don't ever think it is my place to say I would go back and erase it from my life, but I'm in a very different place than I was last year. Physically and socially (not to even touch on mentally), I was taking on the cross season, traveling to races, and working a full time job, and maintaining my home life on top of it all. I was a busy, busy girl. I look back now and it helps me put how ill I've been in perspective since last year I would work 8 -24 hour shift, get off work and ride 2-3 hours, be able to prep dinner and get ready to do it all the next day. Now, a few hours of doing anesthesia requires 24 hours rest, forget riding a bike or even doing grocery shopping or what not. Looking at things that way helps me understand that this isn't going to just go away in a couple weeks, and that maybe one of the top neuromuscular neurologist in the region isn't crazy after all.

Maybe it is the rain....

but maybe it's the truth.

And yes, I can handle the truth.

(I recently was given a high honor as a Distinguished Alumni from my high school Tippecanoe Valley. Final ceremonies were held at the half time of the football game; as seen above standing with Jason Bowmen, MD who was also a 1995 grad and a honored alum)

The Tippecanoe Valley High School Distinguished Alumni Class of 2011 were honored Friday. PIctured seated (L to R) are: Rebekah Parker Legan, Jayme McCalla Parker, Nicole Dorem, Sherri Miller Johnson. Pictured in the second row are: Vernon Goodman, Kevin Deardorff, Dean Trippiedi and Jerry Meadows. In the third row are Greg Hoover, Todd Stokes, Dr. Jason Bowman and Micah Lukens. Photo by Marissa McSherry, Times-Union

It was a cool experience going back to high school as a career women. I had a chance to speak to students and see some of the teachers and staff that helped mentor me to the place I am today. The honored alums that TVHS had were quite impressive and have made great contributions to this world and I was honored to be placed in that same category.

I was just a little rug rat from the small town of Burket... just like all the other's above were from small towns and went to a small school.

My advice to the students?

Just because you come from small places doesn't mean that you can't do BIG things!

And that's the truth.

Go Vikes!

Isn't That The Truth!

2011-09-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

Isn't kinda cool how sometimes God aligns everything just right sometimes and something happens or is said that you absolutely needed to happen at just that right moment?

We've all had it happen and even if you want to credit God for it or not, well that's your thing... but I know God does it all the time for us. Heaven knows I've had a few things here lately occur that if He didn't interject could have easily gone south.

So my neighborhood I live in is called SpringHill acres. It's named that way because it is on a lake and it is down a hill. It's not Colorado, but it's a fairly steep incline that goes out of my neighborhood and also one that heads back down to the hospital I work at. Nothing major... but I can always gauge right off how I feel that day on a training ride based on how I tackle that hill. Before I was sick, I could ride up both hills like they were flat. I love when that happens. I was getting really fit.

After I finally got up the strength to cruise around the hood on the granny bike, my goal was to someday be able to make it up that hill. It took me a couple weeks to make it. The first couple times required a few breaks, but eventually I made it up clean! I was stoked. Such a little hill that I used to laugh at became a major struggle for me, but I made it and I didn't care what anybody else thought of me making it or needing to take break. To me it was a major hurdle and that hill felt like a prison wall holding me away from longer cruises until I could overcome it. And that I did!

(A little bigger incline at Cottenwood pass)

So once I made it up the hill and down the back side of it, my next goal was to make it back home up the other side. This is actually on a road that goes to the hospital campus, so it sees a fair amount of traffic therefor some of it has a sidewalk. Now, let me tell you this. It's been a long time since I've used a sidewalk with a bike under me, but these days I feel so much slower than traffic, I take that sidewalk all the time. Weird. This little hill maybe takes me 30 seconds normally, but given that I have already climbed another hill, I spent a few weeks needing to take a break at least 2 or 3 times. It was huge... it might as well been the Alps for all I know.

So lately, I have been able to make it up that hill all at once at snail's pace. I'm proud to make the hill, but some days I forget that I almost died 3 months ago and I start getting upset with how slow I go up that little hill. I don't get upset everyday, but the thought of frustration crosses my mind sometimes.

Which just so happened today. I'm on the sidewalk, minding my own "feeling sorry for myself being so slow" business when a familiar car rolls up beside me. I'm thinking "man I hope this isn't someone wanting to converse because I can't even breath right now." Then a dude I've known since the BMX days shouts out to me...

"It doesn't get any easier, you just get faster."

I thank him and Him and we both continue on our paths.

Isn't that the truth!

A couple months from now when Coach Mark has me training my tail off, this won't seem any bit harder then what it does now. I'm just going a little slower for the time being.

The thing is: getting up those damn hills isn't about how pro I look getting up them, how fast I used to be able to do it, or how fast everyone else can. It's about me believing I can go up it. It's about me going for a bike ride because I like to, it's about me trusting in God's decision that this is exactly where He wants me to be right now and giving me a chance to make it up even more hills and obstacles in the future.

My friend is right... it doesn't matter how slow, fast, or good I get. I'll always find a way to push the limit further because that's how I roll.

That's what I did and that's what I'm doing!

It's a Steady Climb Now!

2011-08-31T15:17:00.000-07:00

(Made up this mountain in Beaver Creek, CO... and a few other mental ones along the way!)

Lately, I've been climbing all sorts of mountains. The biggest mountain I'm working on making it to the top of is my recovery bell curve. The smaller mountain was Cottonwood pass in Colorado last week at around a quantity of 12,50o ft at the peak. I find it very interesting that some of the biggest measurable obstacles seem so much more less significant to the spiritual, medical, and emotional obstacles I've faced lately. But on all fronts, I see everyday that I am heading out of the black hole I was in... even though some days I have to take a few steps down, that's no problem with me.

I continue to make leaps and bounds in my recovery. After being told that most people don't even walk with the critical illness myopathy for 3 months; I actually rode my bike in Colorado at that mark! Granted, it wasn't my average pace and to most, I looked like a recreational, occasional cyclist... but I could have cared less. I was riding my bike people! 3 months ago I couldn't even breathe!

(Me and Suzan went for a easy trail spin at Buena Vista, the views were amazing)

Let me back up, so I still have been battling the fatigue and shortness of breath from letting the lungs heal up, but my good friend Anne decided she wanted to do a last minute trip to CO for the US Pro Challenge and take her 2 youngest gals with her. Being that I didn't have any type of work schedule to follow, I really wanted to go since my days around the house were starting to make me feel like I was in an infirmary prison. But given that I just had a major pulmonary event and CO is a bit higher then IN, I needed to make sure all my doctors would feel it was safe to go. Long story short, I discussed the trip at length with all the wizards, and with precaution, I was given the go ahead a few days before we were set to head out! Splendid!

So off we went, we had a nice trip and arrived at Buena Vista to watch the start of stage 1 in Salida. It was fun to watch the gals see a pro event up close for the first time, but even cooler to see young gals be big fans of cycling. It was a busy day and we tried to pack everything we could into the time we had, so I was pretty much exhausted from the start of the trip. I thought for a while that I was having a hard time sleeping as a result of the strange bed, but the more I think about it the more I think it was because of the high altitude. So I guess I won't be getting a altitude tent to sleep in anytime soon.

(My travel mates: Anne, Suzan, and Bethany Young)

(Suzan and Bethany didn't know this guy at first: posing with Bobke)

(Yeahhh... mtb trails!)

The next day we wanted to be at the summit of cottonwood pass that was just a short ways away from where we were staying. All of us gals took off at the base of the mountain early in the morning to allow plenty of time before the racers came by. I was going very slow but I made it to the top along with Bethany (17) while Anne and Suzan felt the effects of the thin air and had to take a slower trip up by foot. During my slow ascent myself I was feeling that familiar "burn" in the lungs from exercise, and despite the fact that this had ever been the highest to the sky my body had ever been and that I had been off a bike for 2.5 months and I was now climbing a mountain, it didn't even come close to the difficulty of breathing or the pain I had when I was in the hospital. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I think I'll hang on to that thought for a while. What I went through puts pain and discomfort in a whole new light.

(Took me a long time, but made it to the top of Cottonwood between the Colliegate Peaks)

Bethany and I had a blast and it truly felt like we were on the top of a climb in the TDF. I met tons of people and it was a cool party atmosphere while we all waited for the 5 minute time frame that the riders would pass us. After a strong storm dumped a nice chill on us (we were freezing above tree line), we (or more like I) screamed like teenage girls when the riders passed by! Very cool.... but not as cool as racing myself. Made me miss it a lot.

(Some firepower at the Avon stage start: Andy S., TVG., and Levi)

The following days we spend in the Vail/ Avon area. We watched to TT and the start of the Avon stage. I was able to spend some time at the D2 shoe factory and meet legend Don Lamson who makes the best cycling shoes you could ever imagine putting on your feet. I fell in love with Eagle, CO and am seriously thinking of moving there. Time will tell and I think a winter visit would give me a idea of it better. Having never been to CO before, it was a place I really felt like I belonged. It really is an area built around the outdoors and that's what I live for! Something for me to seriously think about....

(I spent my share of time in the hot tub looking at the mountains)

In other news, I was really pleased with how the ankle held up, and despite some major swelling and surgical discomfort, the terrible nerve pain remained absent. Dr Porter said it would be a couple more months before that subsided, but compared to the misery I was in before, I'm not complaining at all.

Otherwise, I was so happy to be back to work part time this week. I had my first day Monday and that happiness quickly faded as it didn't go as well as I hoped it would. Even though I felt very safe to take care of people, it took every bit of energy I had to make it through a short day. I worked a few hours, needed a 4 hour nap, then topped it off with a 12 hr night's sleep. I'm praying this was more related to my lack of sleep and body clock being on mountain time and will find out soon enough in the morning. I know each day isn't going to sail along as smoothly as I would hope for, so I just have to keep in mind how far I have come and know that I can and will make it to the peak someday with this illness. Some days I look back and shake my head and am amazed at just how far I have come from where I was in the days I spent in the hospital where it took too much energy to even be able to simply say a few words at a time. God really has given us amazing shells that can recover and regenerate from extremely tough circumstances!

So I just keep climbing the mountains one step at a time and eventually the glory of the view will take my breathe away (in a good way)!

(Sunset near Buena Vista Trailhead: a picture could never do it justice, but it's still nice to look at.)

Coming Out of Africa

2011-08-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

(Getting outside a little more to enjoy the summer life around me)

Soooo lots has happened since the last blog and I now officially think I can say I am getting more comfortable in my zebra stripes walking around in America with the rest of the horses. First of all let me just say that I have seemed to break the status quo of how my body "should have" acted with any of this experience. I think every doctor and specialist has told me that I'm a zebra in some way and my fitness (or fitness I used to have) has hindered my diagnosis or future expectations of how I will recover. This has both been a blessing and a curse at times. It has both saved my life and has made things difficult to discover and predict for the doctors... we aren't really used to treating active people these days and normal parameters for some people aren't normal for athletes. Regardless, I am acting true to form for a zebra in a field full of horses and while I may act and perform different from those around me, I'm just doing what I feel everyone else would do, just trying to live and survive!

(This was a sign they had up at IUMC: That's darn right!!!!

NEVER GIVE UP)

So the biggest news is that it appears that I do not have myasthenia gravis!!!! This is such a huge relief to me that it isn't a joy I will even attempt to justify with words. MG would have been a long term disease, and by all accounts of the specialist, it would have been very unlikely that I would have been able to continue to ride a bike, let alone race one. It has been many appointments and lots of testing to get things pinned down better, but one of the top neurologist in this area is about 90% sure that I have "critical illness induced polyneuropathy and myopathy." That's a mouthful! I spent a nice long appointment have needles stuck in my arm and forehead down at IU Medical Center a little over a week ago and as a time trial in a bike race shows the truth... so does a EMG for the most part. So here's the basic description of what's going on:

Critical illness polyneuropathy (CIP) and critical illness myopathy (CIM) are overlapping syndromes of widespread muscle weakness and neurological dysfunction that can develop in critically ill patients receiving intensive care. CIP and CIM have similar symptoms and presentations and are often distinguished largely on the basis of specialized electrophysiologic testing or muscle and nerve biopsy. The causes of CIP and CIM are unknown, though they are thought to be a possible neurological manifestation of systemic inflammatory response syndrome. Corticosteroids, which are widely used in intensive care, may contribute to the development of CIP and CIM, as may elevations in blood sugar, which frequently occur in critically ill patients.

So basically, I still have a long recovery, I'm told that my neuromuscular function (NM) will start healing in about 6 months and that I should feel pretty normal in a year, but the complete recovery as shown by EMG takes about 5 years... but they don't have any tests that demonstrate how an athlete would recover from this, and I hope to be above those estimates, but I have to not expect to and be realistic about it and if I beat the estimates it will just be icing on the cake!

It is still a serious recovery, as the name implies, and I still have many days of testing and resting to make sure everything goes okay, but at least I am starting to feel a little more like myself as each day goes by. It's weird to look back at the last 3 months and realize just how bad I have felt and also how little I remember, just feels like I have been suspended in the twilight zone and am finally starting to float back into the earth's atmosphere. I have been asked to describe how I have felt and I tell people to try and imagine having the worse cold or flu you've ever had... and take that times ten. That kinda sums it up I guess, but the cool thing is that during the worse days I've had at home God has this magical way of kinda shutting down your brain and helping you block out all those memories somewhat.

In other news, I was able to take some sort shifts back at work and was able to do 2 small cases. It will be a long time before I can throw down a full day or a full time schedule, but it was good to get back into the environment and be back in a hospital again around the sights and sounds that I went through... just in a reverse role. The ironic thing about my first case back to work? The patient I took care of was in the exact same ICU room I was in. Guess that is kind of going back the scene of an accident you were in... taking a deep breath, saying a prayer, and stepping over the hurdle. I was happy to make it over that hurdle and was also thankful to have God be beside me to take it so I didn't have to alone.

So, I'll slowly get back to work next month as a part time worker. I look forward to the days to do anesthesia for others, but also know that I will need lots of rest to recover from those days. It's a huge transition to get back "out there," but I'm pretty thankful to be doing so since I was very aware at one point that I may never be able to help people again.

I slowly am getting out and being more active, which has been so nice! I try to take some cruises around on the granny or cross bike in town and it's been kinda nice to have to slow down a little. Just enjoy what's around me instead of being in such a hurry to get from point A to point B. I'm still unsure of what my future holds this year as far as cycling goes, but I'll just take it as it comes, and run with the horses when the time comes.

(Getting out on a little spin with Anne. Baby pedals back! Felt so good!)

Once again, I have to give so much thanks to everyone that has helped me or sent a nice word of encouragement my way. It means so much to me and it's been an interesting experience to see so much love and see so many helpful people here in this world. It really has been, as they say, an eye opener to who is willing to be there when the chips are down. I've learned who my true friends and family are in the tough times and I've been very surprised by the results in both ways in some instances. Funny how that works. I have to admit, it's been a bit of an emotional challenge to handle the disappointment of some I really felt were "close," but it's always good to learn these things the hard way. I am forever grateful to those who have been there for me when I needed it more than ever! You all know who you are and I want you all to know I wouldn't have made it through this without you guys and gals!

So I'm still making my slow trip out of Africa as the zebra that I am. I know it's a long journey and I don't quite understand it all, but I know there will be a brighter future on the horizon soon!

Thanks for reading and following along everyone... I look forward to the day I have some racing to report on instead!

Waiting to See the Wizard

2011-08-03T14:41:00.001-07:00

"No one sees the Great Oz. Not no one. Not no how."

I think we all know what that comes from... The Wizard of Oz of course.

Well, at this point I feel like I'm waiting to see the wizard. I've always had this standing joke on the practitioner side of my life that us health care workers are seen as wizards by the patients. I don't have any religious backing to it, it just refers to the Wizard of Oz. You see, it seems everyday that it gets harder and harder to get into see a health care person in this day and age for an appointment. After all, who gets into high end health care anymore? It's a hard job (highly rewarding) and trust me, the pay doesn't add up to the risks that could be found in other 9-5 jobs in this country. Back to the point. So whenever a page or appointment is finally granted to see "the wizard" it is anxiously awaited by the person to see this magical being that will hold hope and answers to the future. And while that may be true in some aspects, really some may find "the wizard" to be a bit of a let down... just a normal guy standing behind a curtain. Just like in the movie. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of those wizards and I take it very seriously knowing that what I do has a great impact on a person's life, but the fact is, aside from my education and training, I'm just a normal person like everyone else. Now that I'm in the reverse role, I see how it feels to wait for "the wizard." But really, I joke about saying this and I know my real wizard sits on a throne and can't be seen here on earth... He's the One's answers I really await to hear. So it's just a joke, just an analogy like The Wizard of Oz is filled with, but I'm waiting to see the wizard at this point.

Right now all I can really do is wait to see the wizard. After having some more nerve conduction tests last week with the neurologist at Lutheran, in which I was faced with more needles and electrical currents being sent through my body, things came back strongly positive for some neuromuscular problem... probable myasthenia. As a result, the specialist here is now sending me to a top specialist in the country. I was thankful my neuro here had some pretty close friends that have elevated to the top of the MG field, and after some personal phone calls were made and my case was discussed, I am on a fast track to see a doctor at IU Medical Center on the 12th to have some more nerve testing done and discuss my problems further. It seems like forever to wait this long to get some more answers since I am so anxious to get back to normal life and get back to work, but I am getting a true lesson in being patient through this and now understanding that sorting out this disease is not going to be a quick fix like a broken bone or a surgery waiting to heal. So I have no other choice but to wait and be patient.

Day by day I know I'm getting stronger. I am now going for short walks in my neighborhood, able to manage my house, and getting out in the real world in small ways. At times, I believe I am able to return to work... then I realize that it's not possible since a walk around the grocery store is exhausting... but I'm getting closer everyday. At best, the neurologist is shooting for me to return to work in Sept. At best.

Since I started this blog many moons ago to keep everyone up to date on my cycling adventures, let me touch on my cycling thoughts with all this.

I know a lot of people have the thought in their mind that my cycling career is pretty much done given the fact that I'm dealing with a problem that not only has been affecting my lungs, but more seriously the neuromuscular system. Two pretty import things vital to cycling! Honestly, I would be lying if I told you that thought didn't cross my mind a couple times, but I'm determined to be back on the bike someday. I've been asked a lot about when I may be able to get back to riding again. Well, the answer is that I have no idea and it's not really the main concern right now. Yes, I miss it dearly, but right now, I have something bigger than the bike to deal with. The bike will always be there. Always.

Right now, I'm still facing recovering from a serious illness that about took my life, and now also trying to fight a long term disease that could effect me the rest of my life, along with still recovering from ankle surgery. I don't know when I'll ride again, race again, or what will happen when I do... but I WILL. Right now I'm waiting to see the wizard, but don't think for a second that I'm not believing and dreaming that I can do it. I'm on the Yellow Brick Road, and in the end my dream will come true... however I dream it to be.

Once again I am overwhelmed by all the love I've had through all this. I've really learned that there are so many good people out in the world. I have been so blessed by the love of several people in the OB Dept at KCH (among others) that have helped in so many ways, I'm so thankful for them along with my good friend Anne especially. This has brought on so much more than just physical problems; the emotions and issues of such a serious event have really tested me in many way and having so many people help, aside from my family, has solidified my faith in the world in general and has been a rainbow in all of this!

Thank you all so much and God Bless.

"A place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain."

My Biggest Test. Vulnerability.

2011-07-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve had my fair share of “tests” in life. With 9 yrs. of college and being a “go-to” athlete of some sort since about 3rd grade, I’ve not only had thousands of school test, physical test, but mental tests as well. I make my living in a job everyday where my test and split second decisions could or could not send another human being to their grave. I love being tested! As a matter of fact, I thrive on the pressure. If the game came down to the last second and a 3 point shot was needed to win, I wanted to take the shot. Sure, I’ve missed that game winning shot before and the heartache was unbearable, but I’ve also made that shot and the feeling is unmatched. A couple years ago I needed to win 3 straight late season ovcx races to meet my goal of winning the overall elite series and I think I was maybe the only person who believed I could win all 3 after being beat consistently by my main competitor earlier in the year... but I focused on each race one at a time and ended up winning each one with ease. Leading me to win the overall title!

I’ve had much bigger tests; ones that involve assuring I made the right choice to manage my pt’s life safe and sound, but I think that pressure is why I love my job so much. I always felt that of all my tests in life I was in some sort of control. I manage my fate and I thrive on the control. Anybody that knows the field of anesthesia knows we are very type A people and knowing you have a big control over a patient matches right up with that. We don’t ever think we are playing God, but we definitely have a temporary management of people’s lives. So I would say I have that type A personality as do many other cyclist as well.

So there I was, in the ICU. Not as the person that was called in to help manage a patient. I WAS the patient. I was poked, prodded, exposed, and had to give my whole life’s history, and mostly to people I have known for several years. I was given my test results by my medical staff and since I was so sick and hypoxic, I really had no understanding of what was being told to me even tough it was information I knew inside and out. I felt confused and a bit helpless not understanding. I was completely at the mercy of others. I was 100% vulnerable. Not a place I am often.

But my test wasn’t in the vularablity of myself to others around me.

It was my vulnerability to God.

This was a major test in my faith.

Major.

I had to accept that I could die. So I did. That was a test. I had to accept that wether I were to live or die was His decision. I did. I had to accept that it was also His choice of where I would go if I did die. I did. I’m a sinner and I believe and have given myself to the Lord. I admitted that I would die and it was okay. Big test question answered.

His decision:

I got to live.

I’ve always had faith, but I always questioned God’s choices here and there. But this time, I gave my life over to Him without any questions and I was very calm about whatever his decision might be. I was vulnerable to the BIGGEST person I could ever face, with the biggest repercussions ... and I was calm. He made me calm. It was the best feeling I have ever had. I knew He would make the best choice for whatever my Christian purpose would be. To face death directly, feel physically horrible, be vulnerable, and have an overwhelming calmness was bigger than any other test I will ever face. I know I can always look to God to help me through anything else in the future.

So I’m not a Bible beater by any means, but I really hope you all have some faith of some sort. It's really hard to go through so many challenges and make the right choices everyday, have tough things happen, and not question the love of God for you, but He does love us. Look at His son Jesus. I thought it was tough for my parents to watch my illness... but God and Jesus! I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to go through that without my faith. God is for real people and I’m living proof of that!

I am now at my home and able to take care of myself (mostly). I have only been able to get out a few times since it is just too exhausting for me. My lungs are doing better, but I still get short of breath with simple activities or talking too much. Some days are “good” some days are bad. Some days I feel like I got hit by a truck and others I feel pretty okay to sit around and watch the Tour and drink coffee and dream of racing cyclocross. My ankle is also doing much better. It is healing nicely and I no longer am tormented with the terrible nerve pain I had before surgery. I'm so thankful for that! I have started some light therapy to get it back to being stronger and taking it day by day with it also. I am still awaiting the final results of the myasthenia gravis antibody testing and won’t find out more until the 26th. The magnitude of what I’ve been through and what I may be dealing with in the future is starting to set in with me now that I can think a little straighter. I am just taking life day by day and trusting that this will all work out somehow. I am not able to work (not even close) and will not even get to discuss when I can go back until the end of the month., which adds a whole other stress. This all leaves me in a very dependent position. Not something I’m at all used to. I remain vulnerable to others. People to go to the store, mow my yard, take out my trash, stuff that I would have done with ease; and I’m slowly accepting that better. I'm so used to be being the giver that it's made me a stronger person to allow so many good people to help me. I’m so thankful to everyone that has taken on so much for me or even just a little. It's amazing how just a little note or text from others really can lift me up from time to time. From a note, card, dinner, or yard work I'm so thankful for those things and I thank God for you everyday. Your all my little earthly angels.

Plus, I am now realizing that my cx season will be a miracle to even show up to the line this year. I’ve been through a lot and still have a mountain to climb.

That’s okay. I do believe in miracles, and I do love challenges!

And the view from atop that mountain will be priceless!

Time to start climbing back up to check out the view!

(Looking forward and staying positive for a chance to race cross again!)

In The Blink Of An Eye!

2011-06-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

(Tarsal Tunnel release went great, we have the problem all fixed, and it is healing nicely!)

There a couple things in healthcare that patients say to you that can really weigh heavy on your heart, as they should. One of these statements is "please don't let me die." I've been told that many, many times and I do my best every moment I work to not let that happen to the best of my control (I know I don't have the ultimate control, you know what I mean?). Anyway, some people say that jokingly, some are dead serious (no pun intended), and they have good reason to be. It isn't something you lightly say to someone; so I was shocked when those words came out of my mouth to my ICU nurse Jill a couple weeks ago. I was dead serious, and I had good reason to be. I had a pulmonary embolus.

So I had a "near death experience." I kinda hate saying that, but I guess that's what it was. I more like to say "I had a serious insult to my body that forced me to fight like hell to stay alive"... but that takes a lot more words. As you all know I had surgery on 6/14 on my tarsal tunnel, and less than 48 hrs later I developed a lot of trouble breathing, and pain in my right lung.

Honestly, I went back and forth on even posting a blog about it; since it was an incredibly emotional and life changing event. But here's the deal: God kept me here for a reason and I hope maybe my story can maybe help others find some faith in their everyday life... so a blog it is. I was going to write it with a joking tone... but it wasn't funny. So I'll just tell some of it like it was, but a lot of it is a little too personal and emotion to share right now; but mostly please take this away from this: your life can change in the blink of an eye! Maybe for good or worse, or maybe just change, but don't take the little things that God has given us for granted. Bike racing is a fun "battle," but how you conduct yourself and treat others is the battle that matters most, because someday you may need that karma for a real battle; one for you life. I did.

I woke on the 16th barely able to catch my breath, breathing about 40 times a minute. Not good. I got a hold of Dr Porter (who did another awesome foot surgery btw), he had me call my internist Dr Coates (who is awesome in general btw), I planned to go get a chest x-ray, maybe a breathing treatment (I have asthma) and be back home in a couple hours. Well, I'm still not home (I am staying with my parents and their cats) and I ended up staying in the hospital 10 days. Five days in the ICU at kch, and 3 in the msicu at Lutheran where I used to work, and 5 on teley. Honestly, I knew I was having a pulmonary embolism as a complication from lower extremity surgery, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Maybe because I knew that was serious, a lot of people don't live through it... I didn't plan for a PE! Long story short, I felt bad to worse, and my 2nd night at kch had me feeling like as I was drowning as my body was barely getting any oxygen to it. For you abg number junkies (like me) my paO2 was about 30. I remember thinking "I have a PE, I really could die from this." I didn't see that as a good option, I won't say I was scared, but I knew things were really bad and I had to step it up and try to keep it going to see the next day. Kinda makes a last interval set seems like a cake walk. We did more tests, things didn't look good and I was shipped to Lutheran by ambulance. Man those guys go fast! I hated to leave Dr Coates and all the staff at kch- they did so awesome, but I was happy to go to a unit where I would have some familiar faces to help me further.

The remaining days were a bit of a blur. I was medicated and constantly monitored, woke up for tests, blood draws, IV's, breathing treatments, and shots, and more shots. I was going to keep track of how many times I was poked by a needle, but I lost count at 31 on day 5. We discovered a urethral stricture that I've probably had for at least 6 months after they put a Foley catheter in me. I lost 10 pounds of water weight in a a matter of 5 days, and eventually has surgery to fix the problem. I had some great nurses and doctors take care of me and I would hope someday that society would realize that these people are far better role models than the athletes in our world. Just sayin. I also developed severe weakness, like not even being able to hold my head up. I eventually had a neurologist consult, Dr Steven's, who happens to be a L500 champion from back in the 70's, come and test me for myasthenia gravis (an autoimmune neuromuscular disorder). It looks very likely that all the physiological stress of things may have unmasked this. I find out more from some blood work Friday. If I do have it, don't count me out... I plan on fighting through it to be a competitor again soon.

(My parent's new kitties: still slacking on their physical therapy duties: but oh so good for the soul)

So for now, I'm happy to be out of the hospital. Everyday I have little goals, like standing the entire time to brush my teeth, or sitting outside for 10 minutes. Most simple things require a couple hour recharge nap, but that just has to be they way it is. I know someday soon, I'll be riding down a country road I've rode a thousand times, feeling the wind in my face, and the sun on my neck feeling the LIFE of the outside world that God has created for us to love and enjoy... things that are absent in the hospital bed. Yes, I had a "near death experience, " but it was so much more. I'm not angry, I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't think it was a bad thing that happened to me. I felt the grace of the hand of God; and that makes me feel pretty special, not everyone experiences that.

(... and they make really good nap buddies)

I can't even being to thank everyone around me who has showed me support and love with thoughts and prayers. I mean WOW, how to even begin, I have so many people I know who are such caring and great people... I love you all. Even a little word means SO much. Thank you.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ~Timothy 4:7

I know you seen me quote this verse before; it's my personal favorite, by no mistake I believe.

Parkview Crit-High and Low

2011-06-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

Parkview Cycling Festival was put on by Men of Steel Racing last weekend! I was also my last race before the dreaded foot surgery and after the race was over I knew for sure that it needed done, it has been a tough, painful experience. If you haven't done this race, keep an eye out for it next year. The venue that the FW Tincaps play at is available to us racers and the crit course is really fun with a S-curve and nice roads. What more could you ask for ? I mean NO port-o-potties, just a baseball field restroom... which make it extra sweet!

(Couldn't believe I recovered from my toasted legs from the day before, but I was so happy I did!)

For me, I was completely in an unknown fog of how the legs would respond with my increased training load leading up the race. I was especially worried since my ride the day before had me sitting on the side of the road begging for mercy, and had to have my friend Anne draft me back home at a 60 watt average. Yikes!

Somehow, I turned it around on race day. My legs didn't have snap, but I could motor along fairly normally. So the race got underway and we had a good sized field for the women's race!

The newly married Bri Kovac Clark and I put on a little attack a couple laps into the race and never looked back. We wanted to get a lap gap on the field and we agreed to fight it out after that. We ended up overtaking the field a couple times and with that Bri wanted to try to gap me a little with no luck. I was able to match her each time with ease and we remained in the front to the end.

(Bri and I found ourselves with an easy lead on the group and enjoyed our time out front)

It was a fun race and I was excited to come around the last corner in prep for a sprint finish... who doesn't love a sprint finish? However, I knew that unless Bri cracked in the last few meters that I probably wouldn't be able to gain the advantage with my legs pretty much being fried from all my training prep for surgery. This was a decision Coach Mark I made to train thru and have a better set-up for Cx. Sometimes that's just what has to happen in order to reach you bigger goals later. Anyway, I gave the sprint a little go, and the legs just didn't have it, so I pretty much resolved myself for 2nd and Bri got the V. I was happy with second since I was right there and especially since I knew my circumstances (High's). It gave me good hope that I will be able to come back from surgery and get back to form in no time with the help of Coach Mark. Congrats to Bri and also to 3rd place Sharla Berger for almost bridging back up to us!

(Sitting in while rounding the baseball field- the weather was so nice!)

Next, I jumped into the cat 3 men's race to get some extra efforts in. That ended up being a bad idea since some dude beside me got a little squirrelly and landed his pedal into the spokes of my Zipp wheel exploding the spokes right out the rim. Busted (Low's)! Thanks dude for getting in a hurry in a 60 minute crit right at the start. So.... my lesson learned: never ride expensive wheels in men's cat3 race. Regardless, I gave the race a go after a pit wheel from master mechanic Tim Wagnor from Summit City Bicycles (summitcitybikes.com) got me all hooked up. Thanks Tim! I lasted about half the race before calling it a day.

(Check out all the Women of Steel tri gals coming out the do some crittin! Great job ladies!)

It was great to see all the Men and Women of Steel out at the hometown race. I can't thank Mylein and Jim Kruse enough along with John Martin and the rest of the team that volunteered to make this race safe, fun, and well run! Like I said, mark the calenders for next year and check out the In State RR that we will also run.

"Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God.
If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant."
Galatians 1:10 (NLT)

Big Showing at BCSP

2011-06-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

(Look at that women's field start! Who says women's xc is dead?)

So last weekend was the annual Brown County State Park DINO xc race. BC always has a great number turn out for the series and this year also had a impressive number of women who showed up with 10 in the expert field! It was a big showing for the race and it's always so nice to have so many women to race against outside of cross season.

I made the trip down to BC with my parents on the Friday before the race to have a mini vacation, celebrate their 25 wedding anniversary, and get some challenging training in before surgery on the 14th (yes, that's only a few days away!). It was so nice to get a change of roads for training and also have some elevation changes to get a workout with.

We rented a fabulous cabin and had a great time in BC and the best part may have been the primo bird watching that I took in with a family of pileated woodpeckers and a turkey mom with her new hatchlings running around all over the property! I was pretty stoked about all this... which made Sunday's XC race icing on the cake.

Jumping right to the punch line; I was blessed with a win the women's race on Sunday, taking my 2nd win in my races this year! I was really, really happy with this since I've been working my tail off to get back to racing form with so much time off the bike earlier this year, and it was great to be able to take the win at a venue that doesn't suit my strong points all that much. This trail is always so much fun, and I had a great time that day in the dirt and put in just enough effort to take home the win at the end of the day without having to kill myself out there.

(Coming through the feed zone on a little climb)

I had a few minor issues during the race with my shifting, but overall, it was a pretty uneventful race and I seemed to just settle into a nice steady pace to cruise in for the win. Being that my mtb rides have only come in races this year, I hardly feel like they are "races" and more like fun rewards for all the miles I put in on the road in between them... not a bad thing at all I guess.

I do have to say it was also very helpful to have the win to make sure my head stays in the right place while I'm soon to be recovering from surgery here next week. Having the feel of victory so fresh in the heart while in a cast with a painful ankle while crutching around is a great motivator to come back once again from surgery.

(Cruising into the finish area on Yang)

Congrats to my mtb Men of Steel teammates Josh Johnson for a 6th place finish overall in the cat 1 field and Dave McComb's 3rd in his age group in Cat 1.

After race day, I was "rewarded" with a nice 6 hour ride in and around BC and B'town. Seriously, I am a sucker for punishment and I was stoked that Coach Mark assigned me a nice long ride in such a beautiful area. I felt like I covered every inch of BC before we had to head back home the next day and get back to the real world... oh wait, it's ALL is the real world and I'm living the dream!

So at this point I've been hitting a very heavy training week with the hopes that the down time I have after surgery on Tuesday will also serve as a rebuilding and strengthening time from a hard training week. It will be a little tough on the pride to hit my team's race they host with tired legs, but I have the bigger picture in mind down the road. All I know is that once they start the anesthesia on Tuesday, it won't take much to put me under. I'll be more than ready for the sleep! I'll be a little toasted for the upcoming Parkview Classic (www.fwcyclingfestival.com )in the Fort this Sunday, but you better believe I'll be there and so should everyone else! This is a great event and has such a nice venue for a race around Ft Wayne's minor league baseball field, it's really is a ton of fun. Hope to see you all there!

“Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan.”
- Tom Landry

Tour De Frankenmuth Report

2011-06-01T21:40:00.001-07:00

(Road Racing: Not my forte, but that's okay, still has 2 wheels, it's fun to go out and play with the roadies from time to time. This pic is from the I Love Goshen Crit taken from their facebook page. No photo credit, but they took some great photos)

So this last weekend I decided to do a little road racing. I had always seen the race in Frankenmuth on Truesport and I had heard it was a cool little tourist town in Michigan, so I thought it would be fun to head up there and see what it was all about. Granted, it was a road race, which I think would be classified as "last" on my cycling strong points, but I figured I could ride in a group as well as anyone and headed up north a bit. I packed up Mr T (the RV) and grabbed a couple Men of Steel teammates; Chad, Josh, and his cousin Eli, and got the trip underway on Friday afternoon. The race started a bit too early for my style on Saturday at 8am, so we needed to get there Friday before dark to check out the road course. After we found a nice park to park the RV in that didn't look like the cops would kick us out of, we headed out on the 15 mile loop that would host the race in the morning. I thought the course suited me well, with a few short kickers and flat farmland for the remaining miles. The only problem was a punchy little hill coming into the finish area, that would later prove to set me back a few spots in the end....

(Josh J. who ended up 23rd in the 1/2/3 Men's race, Chad T 20th in the Men's Cat 3, and Eli finished his first RR: Prepare the numbers and gear in the RV before the race)

Race morning had us wake up in the Rv to a rainy, chilly morning. No big deal for me, I actually prefer this stuff when I race other girls. Plus, that meant I got to wear my super sweet Mt Borah cycling cap to block the rain. I love that hat!

After picking up our numbers and getting a quick bite to eat and a cup of Blue Lion coffee, we were off to the start line. I started off the race with a bang. The race announcer, who seemed to have it out for me, decided my number was not in the best position and he was so kind to fix it for me and let me know "if you don't really know how to place your number, just look at how everyone else does it." I smiled and made nice conversation with him, but had a nice chuckle to myself: "Thanks there buddy, I know it's my first time."

I rolled out at the front of the pack and pretty much remained patient to whole race. We were going so slow at one point as Allie Dragoo and I refused to continue to pull the pack, that I felt like we were in a funeral procession. This is the stuff that makes a mtb and cx racer like me batty. However, I held in there and didn't go too insane until the final road heading into town. The cat 3 men came around us at that point and I decided to jump to the back of their group to stir the pot and get these gals a little alive. I slowly faded back to the women's field as I intended and things got lively after that (thankfully). I got taken off guard on that finishing hill and didn't expect the lead-out attack that early, so I had to jump back on the lead group. I was able to get back up for the most part and passed several girls, but could only manage 15th on the end. Mid-pack. Oh well, this is road racing. I was happy with how I did and sometimes it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time, and I was just a couple seconds off in a really strong field of riders. Great job to all the women in this race, it was a good pack, with good attitudes the entire race!

(Frankenmuth had a sweet, safe, finishing stretch downtown)

Frankenmuth did a nice job with this event and had a free lunch for us and some coupons for free coffee in the local bakery. Bonus! This is always so nice to have little things like this and all the support of their locals was appreciated. Thanks Frankenmuth! I do have to say that it was a good thing we raced that day, as the local bakery with all the German influence had some sweet goodies. It could be a dangerous place for a hungry cyclist!

(At the front of the pack heading into town, as you can see it was a misty, rainy morning)

So this upcoming weekend is the Brown County Dino XC. I'm heading that way soon and will also celebrate my parent's 25 wedding anniversary as they will be heading down with me. I'm not so sure how my legs will feel in the hills of BC, it's been a while since I have been down there. Regardless, I'll be happy to hit the dirt again as I have not mtb'ed since the last Dino race. The foot just can't handle the mtb really well and it leads to a couple days of suffering if I try it. Which leads to a whole different blog sometime soon, as I will only have a couple more race report here until I get all healed up from surgery... but that's in the future and I don't want to think about it now. I'm just planning on enjoying the next couple weeks of cycling and racing!

So until then:

Vielen Dank for reading!

Races!

2011-05-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's about time I posted a blog giving a race report of some sort! I finally got back to some race action a few weeks ago and happy and thankful to say so. It had been a long time, and as we all know, I have had some major things to overcome since my last race way back in November of last year at Jinglecross in Iowa City. I really don't even count that as a race since I technically had no business being there since I was still pretty run down from the meningitis at that time... but anyway, it had seemed like forever since I went through the race routine. I almost had to retrain myself on the prep. Haha. Not really, but I was definitely ready to hit some speed the day the race came around.

I decided to have my first race back to test out the foot and fitness near home. I did a local crit in Goshen Indiana just north of me. It was a twilight crit and the first one this area had put on. I have to say, it was one of the best run and attended events I have ever been to in the last 5 years or so. They whole city seemed to be there and they gave a good show and I highly recommend this crit in the future for everyone to check out. My coach Mark and I decided to have me do the men's 1/2/3 race, which would be my first 1/2/3 men's race in my career. I was a little unsure about it at first, because I was completely unsure of where my fitness would be, but once the race day came, I was happy to try it out with the big boys. The last thing I wanted was to get sketched up in some 4/5 race and really test the foot in a way I didn't want to. I had a great time racing. After getting lapped a few times by a competitive field, I stuck right in there with the group and really didn't feel out of place at all. What a blast!

The next morning was a early mtb race at the local Winona trail by nimba. It was a 2 lap TT and since we had a late night of racing, it was more a fatigue test than anything. This would also be my first mtb ride since I went to NC in December, so my goal was to get the mtb legs under me again and see how the foot would handle the more challenging terrain. I had so much fun on dirt again, and realized how much I missed it! I kept a steady pace during the race and didn't really push it as much as I could have. Come to find out, there was another gal I was racing against that I didn't know about, and I should have tried a bit harder as I was bested by a couple minutes in the end. Whoops! Great job to her. I ended up second in the race, but I didn't really care too much since I was so thankful to feel the flow of the trail under me again. I always love the first mtb of the year, it's interesting to see the way winter has morphed and changed the trail, even if it is in tiny ways.

The next race on tap was the Fat and Skinny race weekend in Winona Lake. I wanted to do well with this event being the first of the DINO stop, but I honestly had a low key, no expectation of how I would finish in regards to the other racers. I knew what challenges I had faced in the last few months and I was realistic about racing other girls who have been able to ride and train on a more normal basis. Whatever place I finished, I was a winner for just lining up and finishing. I'm cool with saying that these days. I know I am blessed to be able to simply ride a bike at this point, especially when I honestly feared even being able to walk and carry out daily life events a couple months ago. Racing is a luxury to me at this point!

Race day brought some sweet weather conditions in my book, and the trail turned into a perfect surface by the second lap. I had a good start and dipped into the woods in 3rd place and started to settle in and look for a place to pass the 2nd gal in line. About 3 minutes into the race that said girl slowed a lot on a climb and my 29er wheel kept it's mo and I ran right into her wheel sending me and my bike into the gutter. After getting going again, I had several girls to work around before catching back on to the first place wheel, and after doing that I made a smart decision to fix my jammed shifter that got messed up in the wreck. I took a couple minutes to dismount, grab my tool and work it out before remounting. It cost me time, but with it stuck in my big ring I don't think I would have had the endurance to finish the whole race in that way. In the end, I made up some of the mechanical time, but ran out of dirt losing to first place with her in my sights by around 30 seconds. That's just how it goes in bike racing. I was more than happy, not because I got second, but because I felt good and it was a blast to get some speed on the mtb again after such a long hiatus. It was just icing on the cake to be so close to the win with the circumstances. It was a good sign that I am getting back to good fitness again.

It was also cool to have this race in my local area with local cheers, even though the media was a bit skewed the previous and following days. I am getting used to the annual routine of explaining that situation to all the surgeons, co-workers, and non-cycling people I grew up with throughout the community that don't understand cycling politics. It makes me very sad in some regards, but despite my best efforts, it's just the way it is. Sorry to you all that have to ask or call me for your local news in regards to me during this event. Thanks to all of you who support me and encourage me in positive ways!

(First DINO race with the new Men of Steel teammates. Josh, me, and Dave at the awards afterwards. Great job to all the MoS mtb'ers!).

Next up, is some road racing in Frankenmuth, MI. I love this area and have never done this race, so I hope it's a cool event to attend. We all know road isn't really my "thing" but I have a few road events picked out this season to get some race fitness in and explore all the options cycling has to offer.

Of course that is all a big IF right now with the foot. I had my 3rd steroid injection in the foot the week of Fat and Skinny (ouch!) and with that, I can't get any more for a long while. So far, it has failed to help the TT this time, which isn't hopeful at all. We are going to give it a little more time before deciding on surgery now or later, but it looks like it is going to have to happen in the future. It's day by day right now, and I know I'm in a bit of denial that some miracle will make it all better soon and I could maybe avoid the knife again, but time will tell soon enough. Until then, I'm going to keep on keeping on. Thankfully, riding isn't like walking is with it. If I could only ride my bike at work and everywhere instead of walk!

Otherwise, I have to make over the new kitties my parents adapted recently. Olivia is a Lynx Siamese and Lola is a seal point. They are fun little fluff balls right now at 10 weeks old and are sisters. I admit to stopping by on my training ride a couple times to steal a few kisses here and there. It will be fun to watch them grow and I'm thankful that we found them.

(Olivia and Lola: little wiggle butts.)

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."

Psalm 18:32-36

Carpe Diem!

2011-05-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

We all have heard this phrase before from the poem by Horace. "Seize the Day!"

While I've always felt like I try and make the best use out of every moment, I would say I have always been more of a "future planner" kind of person. I look at where I'm at, what I need to do, and make plans accordingly for all steps of my life. If the plan I make fails, I plan another one... just that simple. But as of late I find that I am shifting into a more of a "live in the moment" kind of person. Maybe it's me getting older, but I have also found that my recent foot issues have lead me to not take even the most simple of acts (like standing) for granted and that you seriously never do know when one of those God given gifts may change or be taken away. I know it all sounds very cliche, but it is so true.

Right now, I feel like a ticking time bomb. Even though my plantar fasciitis is improving every week with therapy, the last steroid injection I had for the tarsal tunnel is seizing to help now. It's way sooner than we hoped for and I am going to try another injection to see if it may last a little longer this time. Basically, on any given week, this tarsal tunnel thing could escalate and put me out of commission for a while again, so I am enjoying every moment I have on my feet and on the bike. I feel, and enjoy each ride instead of acting like it is only a step to get me to race or goal "____." Yes, I do have some big goals for the future, but I have some pretty big plans for today too.

Carpe Diem my friends!

In other news, I have been trying out my new D2 custom shoes for the last couple weeks. These babies were build completely from my foot molds and measurements and it's a good thing too since of the 800 and some lasts that D2 had, my feet didn't match any of them! I would try and describe these kicks to you guys, but words won't do them justice since they 100% fit my feet. I may even go so far to say they are even better than my custom Indy Fabrication Steel Deluxe. By far my new most valued piece of cycling gear. Custom isn't anywhere near for everyone, but definitely what I was in need of with these crazy feet.

(Every girls loves new shoes!)

Otherwise, I had a nice family vacation to Florida this past week. I got in some warm rides and spent a lot of time playing in what Fl has to offer. I put some pics in below and will tell the vacation with them. One thing that really struck me from vacation was the drive back home as we came through Alabama that was struck with tornadoes a few days before. Never in my life have I witnessed such destruction. It's one thing to see the images on TV, but it made me feel really small to see the power of God in person. My prayers and thoughts go out to the people of Alabama, and the scenario of having your life instantly change by the power of a tornado definitely puts things in perspective.

Carpe Diem!

(My Sister Beth and I hanging out on the Emerald Coast)

(Fresh fish tacos after a ride! Yes, the coast was still beautiful, and didn't show any signs from the oil spill)

(Lots and lots of body boarding and surfing after my morning rides! Gave the arms a workout!)

(My Dad and I on grill duty after a fun day in the sun)

(The picture says it all!)

(Hope this sun comes north again some time soon!)

How Will You Be Remembered Today?

2011-04-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's on like Donkey Kong!

So I decided it was time to come out of the black hole I've been in for a while... or rather my body decided to give me a little break from it. I would say I am on the mend, but I know that the chances of the foot holding out from the last steroid injection is rare and I may add another scar to my long list at some point; but that's beyond my control at this point so no sense worrying and stewing about it. The tarsal tunnel (TT) is keeping in check for now and I also have been trying to get the plantar fasciitis (PF), I have had in both feet since surgery, under control too. We've know about the PF since the TT flared up, and the combination of both was overwhelming to say the least, but having the TT under control has made walking almost possible again. Let me put it this way, I won't be running anytime soon (not that I want to) and I hope to have it all squared away by cx season! Hopefully, in the next few weeks it will settle down with several visits to physical therapy and lots and lots of stretching.

I just have to mention for the thousandth time how blessed I have been to have Dr David Porter with Methodist Sports Med to take care of me during all this along with the help of Tom Johnson for my PT at Kch Regional Rehab. They have been my rocks during this and have listened, brainstormed, and worked with me through this complicated foot when most would have given up on it. Heaven knows I wanted to a few times! Plus, a major thanks to all the other people in my life who truly do care, pray, and offer kind words or a shoulder to lean on during all this. These really difficult times have been made so much easier with all of you!

In the meantime I'm starting to take riding more seriously again and have started my training with my new coach Mark Fasczewski and I'm really excited about having a focused training plan in my workouts again. I've set some tentative goals for myself for the season and can't wait to reach them and I am enjoying working towards them everyday. I have had a fun last few weeks with increased miles on the bike and have now put some races on the calender next month for me after I log some sunny miles in Florida soon enough.

Aside from just the typical bike goals we all set for ourselves, I hope we all set a few goals this year that really can't be measured by anyone but ourselves. We all have "report cards" in our cycling, personal, work, school, and financial worlds; but I think we all need to occasionally remember that it's the unmeasurable goals that really make us who we are asked to be in this life. I've always been blessed with success that people can directly see in my life. I've set records, gotten scholarships, won races, did a certain number of hours at work, and so on. But the most valuable things in my life have always been hearing how I helped someone ease their fear before surgery, or by knowing I've done the right and moral thing instead of the one that would have benefited me the most, etc. I hope you all strive and find this to be true too.

So one of my main goals this year is to not get too uptight about results as long as I do my best. Even though I do race pro in cx, I line up with gals who race their bikes for their job. Their is no way I can keep up with that commitment and I don't really want to. My calling in life is anesthesia and I'm happy with know and doing that. Even for the regional races such as OVCX, most of us girls work jobs and it's impossible to say the person who beats the other on any given weekend is above the other... and does it really matter to our final outcome in life if we don't have fun or do it dirty?? There are just so many variables for all of us during the week that effect the weekend. I'm not using that as an excuse for losing; I'm just saying that the reason we all need to race is first and foremost because it is fun and we shouldn't act like jerks if we have a bad weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I plan on training to reach my fullest potential possible in my life right now. I do it because I love to train, make my body stronger, and because I love to swing my leg over the bike, but if I ever do it without class it's the day I quit because I don't want to be remembered that way, nor do you I imagine.

So I have a fun weekend on tap coming up... hopefully. I am riding out a 24 hour call shift and if all goes well (like sleep) I plan on heading down to Bloomington to log some hilly hours on the bike and take in the famous Little 500 race at IU. I wish I could watch the women's race in addition to the men's, but it won't work out that way this year. Good luck and good times to all taking part in the weekend!

And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?

-Matthew 16:26

A Month I Won't Miss

2011-03-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

(Hello again!)

It's been a long hiatus from the blog for me, but it's seems it's time to get things back up and going as spring is in the air. I've been having a rough time with the tarsal tunnel and some things in life are just too personal to post on a public blog. Actually, some things are so personal that you really can't even explain them to the people who are the closest to you. For the past 2 months I haven't been anywhere near myself and aside from the hopelessness of seeing no end in sight, I will go so far as to say I was physically suffering more than I ever have in my life. All of that combined with the seemingly constant illness, surgery, and recovery had me mentally at my limit. Anyway, that's all I really have to say about it and you won't hear me talk about it much on my group rides, in public, or in my everyday life... it's been hard, painful, and it's very personal. It's not a badge of honor and you won't hear me carry on about it like some people do with injuries or surgeries they have. It's almost too painful to speak about and I find the most painful casual question these days is "How are you?" Well, I hate lying about that response you know.

So for a quick run down: after months of doctors visits and tests and another minor procedure, I do have severe tarsal tunnel syndrome. We recently did another steroid injection and it seems to be giving me about 75% pain relief right now which is huge. Up until the last couple days I needed the scooter or crutches to walk any distance or work, and it seems like I may be able to ditch those after 2 days of full walking. The only small blessing has been that riding hasn't really made my pain worse, but earlier in the month I did take 3 weeks off the bike because I was in too much pain from walking. Over the last couple weeks I have gradually increased my time on the bike and so far so good. The news is though, good or bad, is that the improvement with the injection means its likely that I will need surgery. There is a very small chance I won't, but time will tell here over the next couple months. If I can get a few months of relief I will have to decide on surgery, or more injections to get me through the season... I will wait and see, but I pray for the small chance it that it doesn't get worse again. Regardless, I feel like I have had my life on hold and I'm just going to start planning ahead again and take whatever happens in stride.

I'm not sure when I'll kick off my racing season, but for now I am really, really enjoying riding my new bike (more on her soon) and have become overly thankful just to be able to get outside and ride. Being away from the bike for so many long stretches, makes me realize how much I really just enjoy riding... racing or not, I like to ride my bike.

(... and hello there, welcome to the family)

On that note, I was able to make it down to Bloomington and Nashville a couple weekends ago for my new team Men of Steel's spring group ride. We had a great turnout of over 20 guys and a few gals and it was nice to get to ride with everyone. It was pretty cool seeing all the sweet Mt Borah www.mtborah.com Men of Steel kits rolling around with the beautiful back drop of Brown County, and I was thankful to just roll along without having to think too much about all the worries and stress the previous weeks had brought.

(Just a few pictures from our team training camp a couple weeks ago)

Of course, it was my first time taking out the new bike and as a result, that brought on the rain on Sunday, but after a little gloomy weather, the sun made a great appearance later in the day! I had just pick up the new S-works from www.summitcitybicycles.com and Dave Coar snuck me in for a quick fit before heading down, so I was ready to get on the road with the team. It was a good, if not too short trip, and I look forward to getting to know more of the guys through out the remained of the year... as touch and go as it may be!

See you on the road!

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"Debbie Downer... you may leave anytime!"

2011-02-27T07:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess you could say I have definitly been avoiding a blog post as of late. Actually, I really haven't had the energy to write one since these days it's about all I can do to make it through my work day, do my personal requirements and get off my foot as soon as I can. I try to do my best to go about my normal day with a positive attitude, pretending I'm not in severe pain, and trying to walk in the most natural way I can. After a long run with this foot, I'm pretty tired of explaining what's "wrong" with my foot to every person I come on contact with so I try to be as normal as possible. I know people are being nice, but if I don't really know who you are, I don't really want the added reminder of my problem. That being said; I am overly thankful to those of you that I do know that have said a prayer, a kind word, or had me in your thoughts over this whole ordeal. I can't thank those of you enough... sometimes, aside from my faith, those little things are all that keep me looking forward. I really do still believe that someday I will make it through all this and come out even stronger in the long run. I do believe there is hope for my future and that God wouldn't send me through this struggle unless He had some big plan ahead of me. I'm just riding out the storm right now.

So sorry for the Debbie Downer blog post here. I'll keep it short, but wanted to give everyone an update to answer some of the questions. Since the last post, I've had a steady downfall with my foot. I had a EMG/ NCT about a week ago to narrow things down more with the source of the foot/ heel pain. It came out positive for Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome. This was no surprise to me, and even though I was happy to be getting some more information pinned down, I wasn't too happy to have another known problem with my foot. TTS is kinda similar to the pathology of the well known carpel tunnel of the wrist, except it's a bit more tricky and more painful given that it is in a weight bearing joint. After that, I was back in the cast to give it some rest until we found out why I was having the decreased room in the tunnel itself. As much as I hated to go back in the boot, I was almost relieved to do so, as every step was a challenge.

(Location of Tarsal Tunnel>>>>)

So after that we decided to get a MRI to get more information. Given my busy work schedule last week, I had a few days delay to be able to get it done and I have not got the results of it thus far.

So I anxiously await to results to be able to know a little more about my outcome. Given that I'm in so much pain, and that the results can hopefully give me some direct answers, it's pretty much all I think about and it seems to be consuming me right now, but I'm trying really hard to just trust the Lord's hand at this and not get too overwhelmed by it all. Hopefully, I can find out more information on Monday or Tuesday when Dr P is back in his office. Until then, I remain in the cast and have been using the crutches when I am at home and out shopping to take the ease off the tunnel. I even rode the stupid cart at Walmart the other day... which was waay to slow for my taste!

I've also been on some heavy duty prednisone to see if we can't calm down the inflammation (if that's what it is) and as much as I hate being on steroids for the crazy side effects, I am willing to try almost anything at this point in the game.

So I've also been off the bike for the last 7 days to see if this will help too. Actually, as much as I hate to admit it; I'm not able to tolerate the pain that riding causes at this point.

As most of you know, there have been very few things in my life that have kept me from riding and I usually feel I can work through almost any injury to make it out to ride and train, but this has proven to be either too much for this injury or just too much more for my body to take at this point. So I'm left with no other option to sit it out for a while until I have more information and can get the word from the doctor on what to do next. Whatever it is, I just want it to be over really soon and have some sort of plan to work with. Not having any control or idea of what the future of this foot is going to do is very frustrating! In the meantime, I'm doing everything I know how to help myself get better, be smart, and get back on my two feet again....

and not be to much of a Debbie Downer.

One of these days I promise to post a positive, positive future blog!

Mixed Nuts

2011-02-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

I feel like a bag of mixed nuts these days.

Some nuts you really like, some are just okay, and some you just can't stand.

That seems to be how my recovery is going as of the last couple weeks. Some things have been really good, some okay, and some really bad.

In some regards I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I expected to be at this 7 week mark. Despite only being out of the cast for a short time, the favorable weather conditions have allowed me to get in 5 rides outside thus far. After countless, mind numbing easy spins on the trainer, I kinda surprised myself by pulling out decent power outputs including a nice 3 hour group ride today. If anyone would have told me I could even think of riding outside for 3 hours 7 weeks post-op, I would have said "no way." It was like finding a cashew in an "all nut" mix. Otherwise, I have made great strides with my "hot toe" issues as I eluded to the last post. I feel I have won that battle... as far as I can tell. That was huge! Those are some good nuts!

Everything structurally in my foot and ankle that was repaired is intact and healing great. Now its just a matter of getting my strength back to all the little ligaments, muscles, and overall leg. Now that I have had the leg out of the cast in the open, it's been a little weird getting accustomed to numbness on the outer part of my ankle and foot. Since this nerve was removed, it will forever be totally numb and the hardest part seems to be avoiding cutting my leg up when I shave since I can't feel how hard I am pushing. Haha!

The okay things; the expected parts; like plain old nuts, are what I consider the grunt work of post surgery. Physical therapy, stretching, icing, and the steady climb to build the endurance base back up. This all seems to get lost in the shuffle between point A (surgery day) and point B (race fitness or complete recovery). It's not exciting, glorious, gory, or spectacular. Just a slow grind that has to be done to get well. It's just okay. Filler nuts, I'm used to that.

So my bad nut?

Well, I have been avoiding a post the last week since I didn't really have anything nice to say about it. But it always seems at least one bad nut gets stuck in the bag, especially for me. Sometimes it gets found and tossed out before you eat it, but other times it finds its way to your mouth and lingers with bitterness for a while. I was kinda holding my breath hoping the "issue" would go away, but it has done quite the opposite. For lack of a better explanation; my foot is really messed up. Nothing new there, and I won't get into too many details here since this really is getting a bit complicated. I now have new pain on the inside of my foot and ankle that is most likely what the Dr thinks is tarsal tunnel syndrome(TTS) possibly, or possibly reflex sympathetic dystrophy (RSD), which is a complicated pain syndrome. What seemed to be a minor concern last week has quickly turned into a major worry this week. After having some steroid injections last week to pinpoint and calm down the area, the compression on the nerves in the tunnel have now left the bottom of my heel completely numb with some electric bolts mixed in along with severe arch pain. This pain and shock wave now seem to be working their way up my calf muscle.

It's a bad nut.

This is a really tense time for me, I'm a little overwhelmed by this new problem. Not only does my immediate outcome worry me with this, I also am dealing with large amounts of pain on a daily basis again; which is exhausting to say the least. This comes as a bit of a major blow just when I thought I could get back on my feet again, and I'm really just plain tired of discussing my foot and ankle issue. I want so badly to be a normal person without an injury, and I'm going to get there some day.

The thing is; I have to keep my faith that this will all turn out okay. I feel like I'm in the book of Exodus right now. I'm walking through the desert, it's really, really hard, I don't know what awaits me in the end, but I know that I must trust God to make everything all right. The important thing is that at least I'm walking.... even if it is with a limp.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next couple weeks or what my near future holds, but I'm going to keep on walking... walking while keeping the faith.

I may have some bad nuts in my mix, but I also have some choice ones too, I just have to find them and throw out the bad ones!

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10 New International Version

And There's Reason to Believe...

2011-02-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

(The winter view from inside the house. Lots of white stuff, lots of bird watching.)

A long December, and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last....

That's one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite albums list by The Counting Crows. I connect with the entire song, but it seems that I have put a couple of the lines on repeat over the past several years.

I didn't really have a long December, but I had a long January. The first couple weeks after surgery seemed to drag on forever, and after that, I felt like my cast days would never end.

(Mark say's scars are cool. So I must be really cool, right Mark? HaHa)

Now that I'm at the 6 week mark, I'm happy to say that they did. I'm back to riding on the trainer and now that I'm clipped back in, I'm slowly working on creeping up my average watts. Slowly.

(I'm always amazed at the self healing power God has given our bodies. Pic of the ankle a few days after surgery above. And looking like a completely different ankle at 6 weeks below)

Otherwise, I have a couple other things going on with the foot. Last year, I silently struggled with a horrible case of "hot toe." I won't drag into this, but let me just say that it is the single most painful ordeal I have ever had. I know that a painful toe sound wimpy, but everything on a bike goes through your foot. Basically, my years of sports and riding with improper footwear along with everything else going on with my foot, has left me with micro nerve damage around that area. I was hoping the time in the cast would help, but as soon as I clipped back in, the pain was back. Long story short, I've not been given much hope medically for this, A couple weeks ago, I was beginning to resolve that my cycling career would come to an end. I couldn't see any way to put in the time in the saddle required to ride at an elite level and handle the pain... and I've handled plenty of pain, but this was too much. So I spent one last effort in focusing on my shoe insoles. I spent the next few days cutting up insoles, putting in wedges, and trying anything to get the pressure off my joint and nerves. Nothing.

I wasn't ready to give up though. I've never had a problem with realizing that other people know more about certain things than me and allocating their knowledge to help me. I knew David Coar at Summit City Bicycles is one of the best bike fitters in the US and that if Dave couldn't help me, he would also have no pride about finding someone who may be able to. So I spent an afternoon with Dave and Barry McManus at Summit picking apart my feet. We spent 3 hours on the issue. Three weeks later, my hot foot is almost gone! We made some changes that weren't so "cool, " but at least my feet aren't hot.

What's the point to this story, other then you all are so happy I won't be retiring from cycling? Well, it's the good old saying: don't ever give up. I've seen many personal struggles over the past 3 years with injuries, I've had some moments where I wanted to just give up the struggle to get better and make it back to elite racing fitness. Mostly, I've not let those negative thoughts enter my mind, letting an injury decide my fate was not an option. It didn't even cross my mind, that I won't get better, but this time it did, and I worked my way past it and that's really empowering. I spent over a year dealing with a chronic injury, on top of my other acute injuries, and after persistence I feel it is going to be beat.

The other take home message is this: don't ever give up in others. Dave, Dr Porter, and Barry, never gave up on me. They spent a lot of time trying to help me. They didn't have to, and as each of us live out our daily life's, we could all give a little more thought into helping each other- it makes a world of difference to some people- gives them reason to believe. Now, I believe I can ride for the rest of my life.

What will your caring thought do for someone?

~We need to give each other reasons to believe that the world isn't "full of oyster's with no pearls."

Otherwise, surgery related, I am still having a major issue that is causing me a great amount of pain. I won't get into it now but I go see Doc on Wednesday for my 6 week follow-up and I should get some more information on what is going on then, if I don't cut my foot off by then. Haha.

Seriously, I'm sure I'll work through it in time; it's just a tough blow right now and tough to be in pain, but I'm beginning to not know what it's like to not have pain.

Should make those cross races in the future seem like a piece of cake!

~ In loving memory of my furry sister Pertties that died 2/2/11. You were definitely a pearl!

Chachacha... Changes!

2011-01-23T08:46:00.000-08:00

It's now 4 weeks post- op and I'm officially mentally moving on to focusing on this cycling season. I have until the remainder of the week to lug around the storm trooper cast on my wounds and I've already begun the grueling regimen of PT that I am all to familiar with. This season, in a lot of ways, will remain the same. I will wear red, black, and white for my colors. I will ride Specialized products, do my bike business with the good folks at Summit City Bicycles, ingest Hammer Nutrition, have great team support from Wagner Research, use the best body care products out there by Winston's brand, along with having a few familiar teammates.

But, if one thing is certain in life, it is most definitely change, and I have a couple big ones personally for the upcoming season. I have been getting lots of nudges from everyone to let the cat out of the bag about my little hints as to what my changes were going to be and here's the official post on those things to come.

First of all, let me just say that this is a big change for me and I didn't make the choices lightly. I had some really hard decisions to make and I've been sole searching on this (along with the help of a few trusted friends) for a few months now and I'm excited about the decisions. Its been hard to even think about racing a bike at a high level over the past 3 months, let alone even think about where my "home" is going to be, so I had to make sure my mind was right and thank you to all the people close to me that have helped me decide what to do. I think back since November and I have had 3 major life events happen to me in that time then most people have occur to them in their whole life: broken ribs... viral meningitis... ankle surgery! I think its time I moved on from that chapter in my life.

Oh yes... back to the other decisions of change. Right. Sometimes it's time to move on, get a fresh outlook, fresh ideas, new home. Just like getting a hair cut, or new sunglasses. A fresh environment is sometimes needed. That being said, I felt it was time I moved on from my DRT roots that first gave me a boost in my elite cycling career. The DRT coaching and team was a great start for me and will be for many people in the future, but my time there was ready to be renewed. And with that... I'm moving on.

Men of Steel Racing will be my new team for 2011!

I am very excited to be a part of this team and family and have felt nothing but love from them since I started talks with them and made the decision to stay "local" with my team choices. Based in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Team MoSR is comprised of 27 riders between the ages of 11 and 82. They obviously started with the mind set of getting steel bikes out there, but have quickly grown into a full blown racing team with all bikes included. As a steel mtb and road bike owner, I admit that my steel bikes (also known as Star for my Indy Fab, and Horse with No Name for my Jamis) are my favorites, but the "Women of Steel" team name also refers to the "never give up attitude" and I love the play on words here!

I can definitely relate to the it. MOS also hosts some really great races including 2 state championship events. Check out the up to date website for all the goodies: www.menofsteelracing.com or look us on facebook www.facebook.com/MenofSteelRacing.

(Just a handful of the Team From Last Year. Some old friends plus many new faces for me)

In addition to the above support I have been used to, I am also really excited to be wearing Mt Borah cycling clothing. Mt Borah has really come though for me with MOS and have been kind to offer me some additional support. My first impressions of this clothing is top notch, they have some really nice features and the best part is that they are based in Wisconsin! Please take the time to check them out and give a couple pieces of the gear a test too: www.mtborah.com. I know you'll love it. I'm also thankful to represent some really cool companies in Meijer and Excellon Technologies, these companies choose to sponsor us cyclists so please don't forget to keep the circle of support for them!

(Getting a chance to meet some of my new team at our kickoff party)

The other big change for me will be a new coach. This may be the hardest change for me since a new coach is like a new member of the family. I will be adding Mark Fasczewski of www.vantaggiofitness.com to my family in the next month or so. Mark's knowledge base of cycling training (especially women) is at the top of USA cycling coaches food chain, and this is obvious since one of his athletes, Kim Finn, just came home with a National Cyclocross title. I have no doubt that Mark's coaching will help me achieve my goals I set in place.

Aside from that, I just want to send some love to Jim and Mylein Kruse for pouring so much time and love into MOS. Mylein heads up the other side of Jim and has been a great help to seeing that I get squared away with the team in the least tedious of ways. Also, John Martin with the team was really kind to help me get the ball rolling and props to him too. Otherwise, thanks to my loyal consultants in cycling; Anne, Aaron, Josh, and my family. Along with micro advisers; Barry, Terry, and everyone else who's brain I picked.

I look forward to things to come!

Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

-Corinthians 5:17

Deja Vu

2011-01-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. ~African Proverb

(I'm sticking to non-foot pics this post... I'm tired of looking at it. I'm sure you all are too)

I have this funny feeling I've been through this before.

Ah yes, that's right, I have.

Twice. So third time is a charm, right?

I'd like to think so. I'm sticking with that. Given anything else, at least I have the recovery and therapy down pat. I would almost say I'm a expert at it.

So let's catch up a little. I had my 2 wk follow up with Doc on Wed and got my stitches out. I was ready to be done with them as a result of the knots growing into my skin. It's always fun to have suture knots dug out of a fresh surgical wound. I'm healing good and everything is going as expected with the exception of some nerve irritation and severe pain near the top incision. He had to free this nerve up during surgery and move it around a little so we are hoping the pain I'm having with that will settle down with time and therapy. It's not so fun right now as it keeps me up at night and is a constant "funny bone hit" sort of feeling, so I pray Doc is right and I'm trying not to stress out about it too much. Worry won't help me get better, but it's hard not to since I can't imagine anything worse right now then needing that nerve fixed too. But I have to trust one of the best guys... I'm sure he knows what he's talking about.

Other than that, I was given clearance to get going on the trainer in the cast. I was really happy about that and I have been on the trainer a few times since then. Even though I wouldn't call it a work out, it was nice to be able to just do something. I had my first "pain free" ride yesterday and as a result, I can ride in a tennis shoe next Wednesday if I keep that up. I won't be riding outside for at least another month, but I'm not too bummed about that right now since the weather is pretty chilly these days. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself to feel better about it.

(I don't mind riding the trainer for now... unless I was able to ride here in NC)

I know I've said it before, but I really hate surgery. It brings on some pretty dark times in a lot of different ways. Everything has been a blur the past couple weeks and even though it's only been 2 weeks, the passing time has felt twice as long. Surgery is painful, it make a person feel worthless, cause a loss of income, brings on stresses with employers, and makes a person like me dependent... among other things. However, it also makes a person reflect and really learn to appreciate everything they do have in everyday life. Its similar to a bonk situation or a long, tough ride all be yourself. A lot of self inspection takes place. It also helps you see how thoughtless some people can be, but also how really special some people are to you. I've seen both sides of the coin and that will help me be a better person to others in my personal and professional life, which will help me fulfill His calling for me. It also helps remind me of everything else I have been blessed with, which would be way too long for blog post. I've had some bad luck with my physical shell, but in every other regard, I'm a very lucky girl.

I just hope that I don't have to face any reminders (surgery/ illness) for a long time. I know I can remind myself without that stuff for a very long time.

Thanks for reading and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers everyone!

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. ~Josephine Hart

That's right :)

Weaning Off The Couch

2011-01-08T13:57:00.000-08:00

It's been 11 days since surgery and I think I'm finally turning the corner. The first 7 days were pretty rough and I was in a strange semi coma state during those days and Black Kitty and I pretty much spent our time like the picture below. The issue is that I'm getting really sick of lazing around and she doesn't seem to mind continuing the same routine. Ahhh, the life of a cat.

I had a few big things happen since the last post. The most exciting was that I am now able to weight bear with the crutches. This is a huge blessing since the snow has returned and I am needing to get out and about in it. I'm all for fun, but crutches and snow do not go well and are completely terrifying to get out in. Being able to bear a little weight helps me not bite it so easily. Next, I was able to fully wiggle my toes the other day. I know this seems minor to most, but it felt soooo good to me. The swelling has been so great that my toes were like fat stubs and were frozen into one position. I'm pretty happy about it. Next, I went back to work. The first shift was miserable since I was unable to take any narcs for 12 hours. Coming off taking them every 4 hours was a huge deal and I was in extreme pain, so much so that I was nauseated at the end of 10 hours and had to take some Zofran for it. I was extremely anxious prior to this shift, but I was blessed and didn't get called in to do anything... a true gift from God that day. My next shift was yesterday and I had a short day in the OR with a good crew. It was still very painful, but I was happy to get back to work and feel useful. I really do love giving anesthesia and I was happy to be able to help people again. I will be back to work all next week and have a little travel on Monday to work; I'm already anxious about the pain from the swelling that the travel will cause... but I'm gonna tough it out and pray for the best.

I will be taken down to see Dr Porter on Wed for my 2 week appointment, get my stitches out and get the word on how much longer I will need the crutches, be in the cast, and what my timeline for recovery looks like. He called the other day and said I could spin for 15 minutes in the cast once I was off the pain meds for a full 24 hours AND not in pain... hmmm, I look forward to that day- to spin and not be in pain. I think I'm getting close, but I really just want to focus on making it through a work day without feeling like death first.

Now I have to focus on finding the strength and mindset to take on the recovery phase that will come soon. Everyone always seems to worry about the "day" of surgery, but after a few of them in the books for me, I know all to well that the hard part comes during the recovery phase. My incisions are healing nicely as you can see above, but as below shows, my muscle mass didn't take long to start fading away. I've got a lot, a lot, a lot of work ahead of me for this comeback that spans all the way back to November when I had meningitis. Maybe I should apply for a cat downgrade?

Just joking.... this is Comeback 7.0!

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. "
John Wooden

Surgery #???... I've Lost Count.

2011-01-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

Surgery is over... the work is done by the surgeon and his staff. Now my part of the work comes in. Which is the hard part. I mean after all, I'm asleep during the surgery and I pretty much have nothing to do but lay there and be anesthetized.

Surgery went okay... whatever that means. I didn't die. Which I was never worried about. It was a long day, but I'm sure it was even longer for my parents who made the trip with me. That's what I hate the most about my surgeries, knowing that my family will be worried and stressed about me. It breaks my heart. In that respect, I' m so glad the day is over. We headed down to the surgery center in Carmel that day and had a nice trip down with views of a beautiful sunrise. I was extremely nervous and was ready to get this over with. Once we got to the center, I got checked in and everything started happening quickly. I went over my history, got my IV started and talked with my anesthesiologist. I was thankful it was the same lady I had before and she went over the anesthesia plan with me. She was great. Dr Porter was actually right on time with his surgery times and before I knew it; myself, him and my parents were saying a prayer together and I was heading back to the surgery room. It always seems odd walking into a OR as a patient and laying on the table. I always feel like I'm in the wrong spot and dressed all wrong... but this time I was the patient so I closed my eyes, said a personal prayer, and faded off to the unknown state of anesthesia....

(Dorsal incision to fix the fracture... and other things)

During surgery Dr Porter did as planned. He first excised the nerve on the side of my ankle that was damaged during the first surgery. He said it was so badly damaged and scarred that it didn't even look like a nerve anymore. It had no chance of ever really resuming normal nerve function again. No wander it caused so much trouble this past year! After that, he repaired the fracture of the navicular bone. He told the nurse to inform my parents he was done, but after a closer look he wasn't. He found a large bone spur forming at the base of that bone. That was complicated more because it was entrapping the nerve that crossed the top of the foot. He had to be extra careful not to damage or cut this nerve while drilling and sawing off the bone spur. This explains even more why the top of my foot hurt as much as it did this fall. He said it was an unusual finding, but leave it up to me to have some rare issue! After 2 hours of surgery, he was done and I was sutured up and taken to the recovery room.

(Lateral incisions made to work on the nerve)

That's really the basics of the surgery. I've been home now for a few days and I don't really remember much about what all has happened in that time. I'm keeping the blog short since I'm jacked out on vicoden. I even had a trip that the Irish won a bowel game! So sorry if this doesn't make any sense at all.

I dread surgery always, but it is always is a quick reminder how much I hate it when the anesthesia wears off for ortho work. It's a humbling experience to be completely brought to silence from pain. I know that it is bad right now, but it will be better some day if I can just hang in there for a little longer. Right now, I'm on orders for bed rest. I am only allowed to be up 5 minutes at a time and I have no problem following that rule since I can feel the swelling pool up in my ankle when I'm up.

(Out of the cast ready to get that bloody dressing changed)

Yesterday I had my first dressing change and was able to be out of the cast to do it. I had my sister help me and she about throw up on me... it kinda didn't look so nice in person. I was a little surprised how filet-o-fish it looked especially since I was expecting much smaller incisions for some reason. I'm feeling pretty cut up right now and it helped explain why it hurt so much in the cast the first couple days. I have some healing to focus on! As for now, its back in the cast and will stay out of sight until I go see Dr P again in a couple weeks... which is just fine with my caretaker sister. I'll be on crutches a while and I am not even pushing Dr P right now as to when I can get back to normal activity. I trust his judgement and will just do as he says right now and not get too stressed about getting back on the bike.

I know I've been through a lot of surgery, but it NEVER is something I get used to. Actually, each one seems to compound the previous one and its a big deal. It's a huge disruption to me and my families lives, and that's why I am so thankful for everyone's prayers, thoughts, and kind words to help us through this.

I couldn't do it alone.

I'm so thankful I don't have to.

Merry Goes Round...

2010-12-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I figured that I should be productive and write a little blog post before I spend the next couple weeks in la la land after my surgery tomorrow. I had all intentions to be sleeping at this point, but as it turns out, I'm more nervous for this surgery than those in the recent past. My last surgery (emergency appy) happened so fast I didn't have time to think much about it, and the last ankle ordeal had me anxious, but I was looking forward to it being my last procedure on it. So this surgery has just been stressful to think about because I don't even know what to think anymore.

I'm comparing my last few years to a merry go round. The ride looks really cool (bike racing), you wait in line (training), you pick out your favorite horse to get on (the bike), the ride starts and it's really fun for a while, then you figure out that the same circle just keeps going around and around (kinda like a crit), but it's still cool because you're hooked. The ride (or race) stops (injury/ surgery) and you spend all winter waiting to be able to stand back in line again and once you do; the whole process repeats. That's me: get injured, train to catch up, catch up, race, have fun, get injured, have surgery, wait to train....

You get the picture.

I know all will go well with surgery, I have a great support system, I honestly have one of the top 5 ranked ankle surgeons in the WORLD, and I'm in good health... but still I really want off the cycle of the merry go round...

it's not so merry.

Wow, so I'm already whining about surgery and it hasn't already happened yet, but I feel better now.

Seriously, I'll be happy to get this done with and fixed up. I was hoping to sneak in some xc skiing more before it, but it turns out that that really is not so cool to do with a broken foot so I had to stop that. I will have my work cut out for me once I can get back to training. Between 3 weeks off the bike for the meningitis in all of November and the limited riding from the foot pain this month, I can safely say I took a lot of time off the bike to recover. However, I did manage to work through the discomfort for 4 fun days of riding recently.

My sister asked me what the point was in riding so much for the past couple days since I was going to lose all that fitness with surgery anyway...

My reply?

"Because it's fun!"

I Fight The Good Fight,

I Will Finish The Race,

I Will Keep The Faith

Stayed tuned: I can't guarantee any sensible blogs in the near future, but I sure will try!

The "Journey" Continued

2010-12-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

Whoa! So December has flared up as it's crazy self since I have returned from NC a couple weeks ago and I have been too busy with work, and prepping for my own surgery that I haven't been able to finish my blog thoughts from that trip. So let me jog my memory and not forget the journey I had...

As you can see from the pictures above that there is a fair amount of snow on the ground compared to the previous pictures we had in NC. If you might recall, one of the reasons I chose NC over a MI trip was to hit a little better riding weather. So Josh and I were quite surprised when we woke up Sunday with 6 inches of snow blanketing everything! I was bummed at first and really thought my eyes were foggy, but it was the real deal and the area was on lock down due to the strange weather for them. At first glance I figured we would just hit a snowy ride, but after more assessing, it became clear that there was no way that was possible given the amount of snow there was and the ruggedness of the area. We had in no way planned on snow, and even though being snowed in may be appealing to some people, Josh and I aren't the type to sit around and not get outside to explore the winter fun. I switched my mind off bikes to explore what other fun options we could have. We decided to get in some hiking and snowshoeing. That sounded really fun and I quit being bummed and started looking forward to the day. We all know the saying: life is 10% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it. I really try to put that phrase in to use on a daily basis and I've found it's very true. I've had things happen to me that some may consider grounds to be in a mental hospital, but I try to stay positive and keep the faith that God has it worked out, and react as such as much as I can, and I feel it helps me tremendously. I really believe that there are no situations in life that can't be worked out or fixed in some way. So off to town we went to try and find some gear...

After a long visit with all the guys at Sycamore Cycles, I scored a sweet pair of hiking shoes on sale and Josh was able to rent some snowshoes for the afternoon hike. The weather was fluctuating and constantly went from ominous to sunny making for some great views. We decided to hike up the Granite rock trail that we had rode the day before since it is a great view at the top and we knew where we would be going. While Josh had some hiking experience in AZ, I had never honestly been on a real hike that didn't involve hiking a bike. We set out on the trail along the river and were quickly treated to such beauty that no picture would even do it justice. It's always a rush and good feeling to ride your mountain bike in sweet places, but hiking in the stillness of snow covered paths in a pine forested mountain creates a feeling that is almost surreal. What a treat!

Not only was it a treat, it was a great workout. I regretted opting out of the snowshoes like Josh, since they would have made the 2 hour hike much easier, but I still did pretty good. Once we hit the summit around 3,500 ft, things were pretty windy and the weather was getting nasty again. We hung out for a few minutes and enjoyed the views then headed back down the rocky decent. The sun was on its way down and we didn't want to get stuck out there in the cold temps after dark, but we were treated to some great sights on the way down with the sun setting behind the mountains.

Some journeys take a different route than what we plan. As a matter of fact, they go in the direct direction that we had planned not to do. I went to avoid snow and ended up in some rare snow storm to that area. Maybe that was God's gift to let me do both things??? The point is: I would have never in a million years thought I would have enjoyed hiking, but during it I realized I really enjoyed it. That was only possible because I opened my mind and chose to react in a positive way to the change in the journey. The day we went for a hike actually turned out to be one of my favorite things I did all year. Who would have thought?

Don't let your attitude and fear close you mind to the opportunities that change can bring, you may actually like it.

...and by the way,

Merry Christmas everyone... while your busy opening gifts, don't forget that the day celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ.

Our Savior.

Journey

2010-12-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

(One of the many great views from atop a waterfall at Dupont State Forest in NC)

The Journey. Such a cliche right? Yeah, I know but its an important word or thought. So let me expand.

I had a long journey planned out this year as many of my fellow cyclist did. I fought hard to come back from ankle surgery with the goal of having a good cross season to be capped off by a trip to Bend for cyclocross national championships. As many of you know, I had a couple major obstacles get in the way that prevented me from getting there. The point is, however, I already set aside the vacation block to go to Bend from work and I had nothing planned as a result. So here I was, stuck with 6 days off in December with an out of shape body from having so much time off from being so sick, having a avulsion fracture in my foot, and facing another surgery in a few weeks. What to do? Hmm, well, I took a whole week to make a final decision, which was between northern Michigan for dh/ xc skiing, or drive 11 hours to North Carolina to hit up my most favorite trails of all time. I would change my mind every 2 hours. I really wanted to do both, but that wasn’t possible. I really wanted to go skiing, but I was afraid that my slap foot wouldn’t hold up for more than a day, and I really wanted to ride Dupont, but its such a big trip. I simply was not looking forward to the long drive, the packing, and the hassle. However, the ski trip would be a solo effort and if I chose NC, I would be joined by friends Josh J. and Scott W. Can you really beat riding trail with your friends? Not really, but I was unsure if the trip would be worth the effort. I made a last minute decision to head south.

North Carolina here I come!

(Enjoying a little break from our riding under a covered bridge to take in the beauty)

I love riding my bike, the feeling and the rush I can produce with my own effort is better than any drug out there. That rush is great, but the fact that I travel all over the country to seek out new rides is a bonus on top of that. Dupont State Forest is a great trail, it flows wonderfully, but the hidden treasures it holds is in the beauty of the land. The display of waterfalls and rock formations are stunning and if anyone can look at them and think they were created by accident is really giving the Creator a slap in the face. It’s some of God’s finest work!

(Nothing like riding a great flowing trail with good friends: Scott Wagner, Josh Johnson, and myself)

(Sitting at the base of Bridal Vail fall. A picture here doesn't even begin to capture the power)

We covered mile after mile on some long rides and I reminded myself how lucky I was to have a gift to be able to explore so many miles simply by riding my bike. I know some people who travel more hours than we did simply to see a few water falls in the park...but we were blessed to see so much more! I just wish everyone could enjoy the world in such ways as cyclist do at times.

(How many spectacular views can one place have?)

So the journey was worth it. Standing atop a 150 ft waterfall freezes time and the car trip down becomes a distant memory, all that matters is enjoying what you see in front of you and the greatness all around. I came down to NC to “ride” my bike. Sure, I wanted to get some miles back in the legs, regain some fitness before surgery, but not once have I viewed any of my rides as “training.” It’s a welcome change for a little bit.

(Josh and Scott climbing a connector fire road to the next singletrack)

I’m happy I made the trip down... the journey continues. Don’t let the thought of the journey overwhelm you and get in the way of you making it to your destination. Besides, we all have one FINAL destination, and everything we do now is the journey. Sometimes the thought of making the choices that God would expect from us are not the easy ones in our society today. The thought that the journey that He expects can leave us all a little overwhelmed. Deciding to go mtb was easy compared to some other moral decisions I make sometimes. That was a surface decision. Bigger ones are harder, but trust me, that journey is so worth anything more than what He has treated us to here on earth as mortals.

(This may have been my favorite destination. Summit of granite rick climb... such a great trail!)

We’ve had a great journey to NC so far.

But the question is?

What will be yours?

Our lives are a Christ- like fragrance rising up to God.... And who is adequate for such a task?

2 Corinthians 2:15-16

I Kind Feel Like Farve.

2010-12-05T16:07:00.000-08:00

The drama that surrounds Brett Farve always drives me crazy. It's not that I don't like him, I just hate what the media does with him and because they overkill his life, I end up just not paying attention to him at all to get a break from it. I mean, really, I respect the guy a lot. Despite what any of us think. He doesn't have a lot of fluff, he goes out and does his job, he loves doing it, and he has played through injuries that most people would be stuck in bed with. And in those respects I kind of parallel him to me at times. In a much smaller scale of course! So now after he was hurt again this week, the frenzy of saying he is washed up and should retire gets blown up again. That's what many people think and I wander what Brett thinks? I could only imagine, but I think I could guess.

I feel like Brett Farve.

Except I don't wear Wranglers, and I don't play football.

I've spent the entire season either being injured, poked, cut, immobilized, recovering from surgeries, illness, or getting ready to have another surgery. I'll know I usually try to be as positive as possible, but it's been a crappy, crappy year in those respects, and has taken every ounce of drive and determination to fight back from. While it's not a media frenzy like Farve with me, in fact, most of the people in the ovcx and cyclocross family didn't have a clue of my events like another competitor of mine, it has me feeling a little better that most people won't think I'm washed up. Just MIA for now. Based on some reality checks from my Dr Porter visit last week, a company Christmas party this weekend, and the cold hard truth that I am still not even close to 100% after the meningitis; I decided to not race the Indy weekend.

(Group photo for my anesthesia group at the Christmas party Saturday.

Front row was the "little black dress" club)

As some of you know, I went to see my ankle surgeon in Indy last week to go over some issues. I try to hold off on posting any news about this stuff for a few days to let my attitude level out so I can post a result that isn't drenched in self sorrow... but I'm still bummed. I've actually known for the last 5 months that I was going to need a 4th operation on the ankle. I kept that in the back of my mind kinda pretending it was okay, plus, I didn't want to keep dreading it all cross season when I needed to stay focused on riding. The other thing I have kept kinda quite is that I have been dealing with some pain on the top of my foot since Sept too, have worked with PT on it, and have been trying to keep the pain at bay. Well, as I found out last week, I actually have a avulsion fracture of the navicular bone in my foot. No wander that hurt so bad! Great. So we go in and fix that in addition to the other stuff. Not really what I had in mind.

The part I knew about was the nerve excision. I've got some nasty nerve damage around my ankle bone that feels like an electric shock every time it is even lightly touched. That means even wearing a sock. So that's electric pain in my foot all the time. It's really, really getting old as this pain has been there for almost a year now. I honestly, look forward to not having to deal with it. So we go in and fix that up too.

The bummer part for me is that in all my craziness, or wishful thinking, I figured I would go for surgery, fix up the problem, get a little band-aid and ace wrap for a week or so and be back on my feet. Minor deal. I really, really was looking forward to doing some winter riding, xc and dh skiing and enjoying my first ever normal off -season. But now that isn't going to happen. Dr. P is now telling me I will need to be on crutches for around 2 weeks and in a cast for more. No skiing for 6 weeks. Blah! I can't believe this! It's so frustrating, and I really hate it. Really!

So how old are the injury reports getting? Pretty old, right? Trust me I know, you read about them for a few minutes here on the blog and I live with them every minute of my day. I just ask for all the prayers and thoughts from you guys that this surgery in late December can finally be the last bit of injury/ surgery/ illness I deal with for a while. I'm sure Brett thinks the same way, I'm sure he would like a fresh body as would I. I don't think he is anymore washed up then I am, because we both love our sports and I know that cycling has many benefits for me in addition to the injuries- so I'm not washed up or quitting.

That's the monthly injury report from camp here. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks before going under the knife again. I have a few days off here this week and will do a little riding in NC on the mtb, maybe hit up a low key cx race in Chi town, and get in as much XC skiing as my foot, weather, and time allows. Need to cross stuff off my bucket list as much as I can!

And I will!

Just don't say I need to retire- I won't listen anyway.

Live to ride, ride to live.

Worth A Thousand Words

2010-11-29T08:36:00.000-08:00

Well, since the last post I've been trying to return to the world of cycling, slowly, but surely. That's been great, but the real truth is that I have really just been happy to be able to return to work and everyday life in a somewhat normal fashion without feeling like death every moment. Sometimes you don't realize how bad you felt until you don't feel that way and this illness has certainly held true for that of myself. I also have grown to know that I can walk around and "act" pretty normal on the outside when I feel like killing over on the inside. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm blaming that trait on my Mom for now.

Over the last few days I finally think I have dropped the massive headaches that accompanied the meningitis (that is a wonderful feeling) and I've slowly gained some energy back. I've learned that this can linger for about 6-8 weeks and I'm trying not to rush into thinking I should feel normal too soon. I've slowly tallied up some rides. I've enjoyed being back on the bike when I can and buckled down and hit some pretty cold rides as the weather is getting pretty chilly these days. I also have decided to try and stay outside for most of my training this winter and invested in some lights and winter Specialized defroster shoes thanks to Summit City Bicycles in Fort Wayne. I can't wait to really put them to the test!

This season has certainly been a roller coaster ride for me and this weekend I decided to keep that crazy train rolling a little more. Given that my overall ovcx standings were pretty much in the dog house since I had missed so many races, I decided to do some other races that I had always wanted to do, but could not since I was in a points chase. I really wanted to do the Gravel Grovel, but decided that the distance would be a little much for me to tackle with so much recent time off the bike. I had always wanted to hit up Jingle Cross in Iowa City, but

it had always been difficult to get the timing just

right with the holiday and my work. Somehow,

it all seemed to line up just right this year, and I decided to head west. I had to work Friday, so I was bummed about missing the night race, but in the end, I'm glad I didn't head out that day as family time would have been tight on Thursday to pack and get ready. So it worked out.... my sister Beth and I took off late Friday after work and had a nice trip to Iowa City and enjoyed catching up with each other and settled in to the hotel for some rest before heading out into the cold on Saturday... and so it began. I had always seen pictures of Mt Krumpit. I love how they say pictured say a thousand words, but somehow, that saying failed me for this venue. Funny how things never look as steep and gnarly in pictures as compared to what they really are. When we pulled into the venue on Saturday, we rounded the corner, saw the hill, and collectively said, "oh sh**." I knew I hadn't been training much lately, but I figured I had some sort of lingering fitness to hold on in this race, but my recon in pre-riding of this hill had me out of breath. It was a 200 ft "run" up and it was pure mud... and we ran up it 4 times in the race. I'll get back to that. I loved the rest of the course. It was held at a fairgrounds and had some really fun features and I felt right at home since I do most of my cross training at my local fairgrounds. I was excited to get racing, but really had no expectations since I had prep for this race in almost ZERO ways. I just didn't want to come in last. At the start we had a pretty competitive field of 25 gals and I struggled from the gun with clipping in as the pic shows above. I finally got it together once I was dead last and started to work back up. About 1/2 a lap into it, I had worked back up to 12th place and was feeling pretty good and then it hit me- the Wall. The stupid Mt Krumpit wall. Who's idea was it to put that stupid hill in the way of the cross course anyway? I started the run up and I started going backwards - it was all downhill from there. My body just didn't have it in me to exert that sort of upward effort just yet. Every lap I would gain on the bike only to drop a few more places on the run up. It was frustrating to have everything else go smoothly and watch it all become pointless on the hill. I ended up finally trying to fight the frustration and not get so ticked at myself for not being able to run up a massive hill after being really sick for the last month.

I just chilled out my attitude and enjoyed the venue and kinda rode like I was in cross practice. I think hitting the deck kinda helped me do that too (as seen in the pic above). Nothing like a high speed endo in to a downhill pile of hay bails to help you not take things too seriously. I ended up sprinting for last place on the last lap. I could have done a little better, but it just wasn't realistic for me to expect it. I have never finished last at a race like this and I would have never imagined being okay with that result, but I really didn't mind. I had fun, I did a race I've always wanted to check out, I had my sister there cheering me on, and I was able to race my bike at a pro UCI race. It easy to be the Monday QB and look through the results of the weekend and look at the snap shot of how races turned out. We all do it. But a thousand words of that snap shot isn't nearly enough to tell the whole story of what happened or what events lead up to the results. I was last on the results, but at least I was able to show up, which is something I hadn't been able to do for the previous 4 weeks.

After the race, Beth and I did some shopping after dinner. There isn't much else to do in Iowa! We both faded pretty fast while shopping and retired to the hotel pretty early. The second I hit the hotel lobby, I was exhausted. The buzz of the race was wearing off and the reality that I was still recovering from illness hit me. I was asleep by 9pm. I woke up Sunday and still felt exhausted and I had to decide what to do. I was afraid that if I raced that I wouldn't be able make the 7 hour trip home alive enough to do anesthesia Monday morning. Given how exhausted the previous day had made me, I was sure another day of My Krumpit would only compound things more. I decided to skip day 3 of Jinglecross. That decision just about killed me, but it was the smart thing to do. After all, I'm a professional and I have to assure that I can do my real job above all else in the end. Beth and I opted to have a nice breakfast and worked our way back home at a nice pace, stopping and having fun along the way. We really had a fun time together and it was a nice trip despite my race results.

Jingle cross is now marked off my "to do" list and I can say I have no desire to ever do this race again in the future. I've done enough races in my life to know that I will never be good at Mt Krumpit and if the Grinch wants to own that hill, he can have it for all I care. I'm glad I went and found that out before taking a lot of time off from work for it next year. The event was run great, the fans were wonderful and I would recommend this to other people, but it wasn't for me. I'll mark down Jinglecross on my resume as a 25th place result. It will be there visually for years to come and I'll look at the number and chuckle a little to myself knowing that it was a last place finish. I'll even chuckle a little more knowing that that is only a number and a snap shot of the journey I had to get there and fun trip I cherished with my sister.

Yes, a picture is worth a thousand words, but a memory is so much more valuable in the end.

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles he has overcome.

-Booker T Washington

"Life Is What Happens While Your Busy Making Other Plans"- Lennon

2010-11-14T07:34:00.000-08:00

So as an update, it's been 3 weeks now that I have been off the bike and down and out with illness. Not only have I not rode, I have done no type of physical activity of any kinda making this the longest period in my life that I have ever been inactive (from what I can remember). That's been a huge lifestyle shift for me, but in all honesty, I really have been too sick to really stress over it too much. After a lot of testing and talking with the Great Dr Coates, we have come to the conclusion of viral meningitis and now lingering ear infections. I'm finally rounding the corner and starting to feel better, I'm so happy to be back to work but even a day of work makes me ready to sleep the entire evening and night. Coates can't really give me a time frame for when I will be 100% recovered and the basic conclusion is that I have become chronically fatigued and that just taking things day to day is how it has to be right now. The next step is taking a look at my cortisol levels to make sure my body can get back up to snuff. That pretty much means no short term goals and no structured training plans that I'm so accustomed to. That also means no trip to Nationals for cross. When I finally came to that realization last week I was pretty devastated. I had banked my entire season and comebacks on that trip to Bend, and now some silly brain infection was gonna keep me from it and it is completely out if my control. It's was depressing to me to think back about not only overcoming the ankle surgery, but also fighting back from the emergency appendectomy in July, staying positive the whole time, putting in all the hard training days, planning, family sacrifices, equipment prep, and juggling both professions with precision, to see that all go down the drain... an entire waste of a season. I'm not looking for any outside pitty party here, I just saying I was extremely disappointed for myself. What a waste.

Was this all wasted time? A wasted season? I was forced to think back and I once again turned to my faith and my family to look at the positive side of things. I had focused my whole season on the end point... cyclocross nationals. We live our whole lives (or should) finding and doing what God has put us on earth to do to assure our eternal life after death in heaven. The goal is heaven right? Well, surely God didn't put us here simply to focus on the end point and not enjoy the journey of getting there. I had PLANNED on nats and a full cross season, but turns out, life happened while I made those plans, and looking back at the season, I had a wonderful journey, made so many memories and learned so much about myself that I really, really enjoyed the journey! It really is about the journey and sometimes I get so caught up in the goals and outcomes that I forget to take it all in and enjoy it. Life is what happens while were busy making other plans. That's something every goal driven person needs to brake check sometimes and remember. It's all happening right now as we all take in each breathe.

I did have a good season. I didn't waste my time. I had results that most people would kill for. I had a good mtb season, unexpectedly, after 2 major operations, and eventually won the DINO elite women's series. I had respectable results for a full time worker in the the major cx races, and good results in the ovcx races as well. Aside from struggling with a very bad case of hot foot all year that made every ride miserable, I had fun riding my bike. Which is really what it's about, no wasted time. Most of all, I've had a great time with my teammates, other riders, mechanics, and family this year and I really miss being out there adding more memories to that list. I love cycling, the culture, the people.

Looking back now its easy to say I pushed it too far, I pushed when my body was pulling. I have essentially drove myself into the ground. Racing 2 weeks after the appy in July probably cost me this last half of my cross season. A body can only do so much and mine did all it can do and I'm pretty impressed with how I held up even when I was in complete failure. I pretty much think that by the time the KY USGP came around, I was on fumes, but I somehow turned out a 16th and 19th! It's a good last memory to sit on for a while until I can race again. No regrets.

So I'm not sure what the rest of the year will hold for me. I hope to get back to riding pretty regularly and maybe even make a couple late cross races. I'm just gonna listen to my body and go with the flow. Since my series overall standing for ovcx goals are fading away, I really hope to be able to hit the Gravel Grovel and do some mtb riding which are things that get pushed to the back burner when I'm in cross mode. I also have some big changes happening next year and I'm really excited about those and hopefully I can let you all in on that in the not so distant future.

I'm already looking ahead to next year, and CX Nationals in Madison... but most importantly, I'm looking forward to Life's journey of getting there. Thanks for reading everyone!

"Out on the ocean sailing away

I can hardly wait

To see you come of age

But I guess we'll both just have to be patient

'Cause it's a long way to go

A hard row to hoe

Yes it's a long way to go

But in the meantime....

Life is what happens while your busy making other plans."

-Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)

John Lennon

Iceman Fever!

2010-11-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

(Last year's Iceman finish. Photo: http://archive.ditzlerphoto.com/)

I think we all know how much I love doing the Iceman Cometh, heck half the country loves to do the Iceman. The last couple years it has been a nice divider to my cyclocross season and has served as a small weekend break from cross that brings me back to the days of crispy, fall mountain bike rides that I used to do before I took up the cross craze. This year's Iceman is shaping up to be a perfect set-up for me personally. I LOVE tough weather conditions (except extreme heat), and the Pro women's field has a good showing of riders, but not too many gals are signed up this year that get paid to ride their bikes. This gives a nice level playing field for us commoners. Going thru the start list I placed myself in the top 8 hopeful. But that hope is not going to happen this year. I've had a fever for 2 weeks and that doesn't mix well with a race called Iceman. Like I said in my last post, I've been battling a super bug, and after hopes it would be a quick recovery, it has been the opposite and has been a very long one. Funny to think that I was on my bike quicker after my appendectomy than what I have been with this flu bug.

In the last 2 weeks I have only been on the bike 2 times and I can't honestly see when I will be on it again. The good news is that after forfeiting a good amount of my blood for testing, I do not have mono, pneumonia, or lupus. I DO however, have the flu and I AM having a hard time fighting it. It seems I had pushed myself a bit too far and required way to much of my body to work over full time, mend busted ribs, race, train, and fight off bugs. I had been too stubborn to listen to the warning signs and figured I would push through it, but God has given me the red light and has left me no other choice, but to lay around and rest. Even though I'm bummed about missing the iceman and a few weeks of cross racing, I'm sure He has it all planned out and I have to trust that as hard as it is. I now am hungry to get back to riding and look very forward to Cyclocross Nationals on the next 5 weeks in Oregon.

In the meantime I have discovered a few things: Black kitty is super happy to have me home to keep her warm and she makes an excellent heated pillow. I have also found that 50% of tv shows involve drugs, or migration issues. I have found that I really, really dislike people who doping more and more everyday and that this probably stems from my Dad's zero tolerance to anyone who cheats in any way. I also have found that The Dog Whisperer is a much better dog trainer than the "it's me or the dog" lady. Lastly, I hate my furniture and the way it is arranged, but I'm too sick to move it or figure it out. I may just hate it because I have to be around it all day. I can't quite decide.

(Eby, aka, Black Kitty, helping to coach me on how to rest)

But in good news I've also discovered this: despite feeling like the bike industry is full of a lot of snobs and people who love themselves way too much; plus feeling like some people (ie usgp) only care to cater to the big time pros- I do realize that there are A LOT of people in the industry and around me that remember one thing: that riding a bike is fun. The person beside you rides a bike to have fun, I ride to have fun, and the 6 year old down the street rides to have fun, and we can all have fun together. There are a lot of good people in cycling and always has been and thank you to all those people.

People who race with enhancement are not having fun- they don't provide their successes, they must be in some sort of private Hell and I pray for those people to find a way out. People who snob those with entry level bikes are not cool- the person who rides a decked out Harley is enjoying the ride, but so is the guy riding a Shadow. If I had no means to ride the best stuff, I would still find a way to roll around on a department store bike and enjoy it. I'm glad I don't have to do that, but think about that personally; is it the ride or the Ride? I really believe a lot of us would go clunk over nothing and it's refreshing to feel that way.

Now go ride your bike! Someone should since I can't.

Good luck to everyone I know who is doing the Iceman this year!

Hopefully my next post is a race report or something a little more exciting to blog about.

Thanks for reading.

Matthew 16: 26

For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but lose their soul?

On The Bridge

2010-10-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

So I'll admit that the above photo from the Derby City USGP last weekend is pretty much an example of how things have been going for me since the UCI3 weekend. I have not quite been myself, but I continue to work through the struggles of injury, travel, work, and race results. Just like above, I pride myself in my sand pit riding skills, but in this photo I decided to dismount and dodge the other gals who maybe find this a little hard. It was a different approach, but it paid off in the end. Even though my race results have not been bad, I was hoping for better up to this point in the season, and after taking a blow at Harbin Park, my drive to keep on pushing has been tested; not my typical attitude. After a tough season plagued with physical injuries, the week after Harbin with the cracked ribs was a physical struggle and I started to question myself to ask why I continue to fight through so much physical pain in order to reach my personal cycling goals.I wandered how much I could take before cracking mentally, but I reflected and found the drive to continue. I am thankful to be a person who races for the joy of it myself and not for other's around me. Otherwise, this really wouldn't be all that fun, would it? I honestly almost decided to call it quits for the season, and I was in a pretty dark spot for a bit. This wasn't helped by the fact that every single breathe I took made me wince with pain. I won't go into my personal reasons for racing on, but after a week of pretty easy spinning, I decided at the last moment to do the Blooming cross race. I didn't want to make any long term decisions based on my current mood, so I just went racing with no expectations. I was warned to not race by my Dr, but I figured I would take it easy and try to stay in safe situations and not be too aggressive. I knew another fall to the bad side would potentially send my rib into my lung. So, I played it safe, I took off pretty slow for me and started mid- pack, trying to stay in my little safe bubble. I worked my way up to second and safely stayed there, babying around the corners and cruised in for a 2nd place. I had a good time, and boosted my love a little more since the DRT crew ran such a fun race!

The whole rest of that week was spent in Brown County in a great cabin with my Mom. We take a fall trip every year together and get some time to catch up with each other and enjoy the beauty of the area. I'm really lucky to be able to spend time like this with her, and I'm blessed to have a Mom who is also a good friend. I did some riding, read a book, sat around in the hot tub, and spent a lot of time cleaning up the cabin woods looking for firewood to burn. We really hated to leave, but we made some good memories and we already look forward to next year!

While the time in BC was great, my health that week kept going downhill. The race the Sunday before took its toll on me and I was feeling pretty bad by Wed. I had trouble breathing, was throwing up, and just felt zapped. After getting home Thur. I decided to get into see the Dr again to make sure I didn't have any major issues before the GP. We were concerned I may have lacerated a liver or have a pnuemothorax. We did several tests and I spent the day being poked and prodded and spent hour after hour in a hospital bed. Great news was that nothing major came back, but a couple things didn't add up until after the GP.

How could I miss the Derby City Cup? Biggest OVCX of the year, probably the most anticipated race in the country with the unveiling of the future World Cup venue, and the biggest pro field to date? Seriously, I was having a rough week to say the least physically and mentally, I was on the bridge about ready to jump my cycling season into the depths below... but I decided to go. What did I have to lose? If I couldn't find any motivation the morning of the L'ville gp, I wasn't going to find it at all this season. It didn't take long to find. I woke up ready to race and looked forward to the day ahead, despite spending most of the night awake and struggling to breath. I was starting to get a nasty URI and sneezing and coughing with busted ribs was not going well.

I headed out for an early recon of the course and even though I loved the set-up, I felt like I was a fish out of water. I could hardly take in any 02! I had to put that behind me and pretend I felt fine. I opted to have a very controlled warm-up on the trainer instead of putting in to many ups and downs on the tough course to preview it. I headed to the start line and tucked in the grid as the next to last starter in 39th place. Great! The truth is, I really couldn't see anything through the dust until about mid 1st lap, and I just tried to dodge the downed girls and keep my bike upright. I busted my butt the remainder of the race and focused on my on-and- off skills and somehow worked my way up to 19th place! Awesome. I was pleased with that for sure, especially after being so beat up, down and out, and in the back of the pack. I looked forward to day 2 with much anticipation.

Day 2 started a little better with a 27th start number. That didn't do me much good since I bobbled my clip and got spit to the back right from the gun. I was definitely hurting from Saturday's effort and felt like I was kicked in the ribs by a donkey, so I had to play a smart race. I took some safe decisions early to avoid pile-ups and quickly moved up to where I was the day before. I had a great time, I was in a race for 16th with a good bunch of gals and I was able to keep my head in the game to hold on to the position. I was oh-so-close to that payout of 15th place, but just couldn't quite get there. I know moving from 19th to 16th may not seem like a big deal to some, but it meant a lot to me and any sign of forward progression at this point in the season is a step in the right place for Nationals in Bend later.

I was happy I decided to make the gp, and not miss it. Thanks to all the people who cheered and encouraged for me out there! Best cheers go to the Shamrock Cycles crew for sure! It's so nice to hit a big race and have shouts out on every aspect of the course when you feel like letting off the gas.

As for this week after the gp, I have paid for my decisions physically. I continue to be in a lot of discomfort and now have a full blown cold (hopefully not pneumonia). I've been off the bike since that 16th finish on Sunday, but have managed to work and that's good. This blog is really the first productive thing I have done so far and the rv sits parked in the driveway fully waiting to be unpacked from the gp. I've tanked up my fever to 102 degrees the last few days, so hopefully that temp is killing some of the little bugs making me sickly. It's kinda funny to me that I'm now fully ready and motivated mentally to train and race again, yet my body is waiving the stop sign at the moment. Ahhh. All in time... I look forward to getting back on the bike.

As for now I'm just thankful for the attitude. I was standing on the bridge ready to jump and now I am on the bridge ready to fly!

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. - Corinthians 4:8-9